I’ve never been a morning person and this morning was no different. Groggy eyed I stared into the mirror as I brushed my teeth when something strange happened, the reflection in the mirror appeared to be talking to me.
Have you ever regretted falling in love? Wished you never met her?
I rubbed my eyes and thought okay I didn’t have anything to drink last night and I know I’m tired but this can’t possibly be happening. Then the reflection asked again.
Have you ever regretted falling in love?
Alright I’ll play along, I mean if nothing else this will be a good story to tell my therapist. So, I looked in the mirror and said no not at all. Why not? The reflection asked I mean you were really hurt, you’re in therapy, that last relationship really took a toll on you. Yes, it did I replied I was hurt and I’m not ashamed of being in therapy it’s been really good for me actually. But the moment didn’t break me. Didn’t it? Asked the reflection. No It didn’t I said because I’ve come to realize that moment is but one moment along a longer journey I am on, and I will not be deterred by just one moment. I will continue my journey unafraid of what lies ahead, confident that one day it will lead me to my true love. So, I say again no I have never regretted falling in love. With that the reflection said great I was just checking to make sure you still believed in love because someone out there believes in it too and one day you’re going to find each other. Oh and by the way I’d keep this conversation between you and me, tell your therapist and they just might think you’re losing it.
The Lord woke me this morning. It seems as if Satan has been working overtime lately, I guess he knows we’re approaching the season of our Lord God son’s birth and he’s determined to take the joy out it. He’s placed worry in my mind. Casted regret and doubt into my thoughts and I can’t lie I’m only human and sometimes it does get me down. But try as he might he can never beat me, he could never shake my faith. You see the Lord woke me this morning and for that I’m eternally grateful because anything after that is a bonus.
Over the past few weeks my Facebook feed has been filled with pictures of my friend’s children graduating elementary, high school or college. Going to the junior prom or the prom. All of them accompanied by posts expressing pride at their children’s accomplishment or bemoaning the fact that the years have gone by so fast. I admit that I look at these posts with both jealousy and regret. Jealousy that I don’t have what they have. Regret that I made so many wrong turns in my relationships that I screwed up any chance of having it.
Growing up I believed that I would live the fairy tale, marry the love of my life, have two children of our own and adopt one to provide a loving home to a child in need. But life more often then not is not a fairy tale. The character Sonny in Bronx Tale said – You’re only allowed three great women in your lifetime. In my life I have had three long term serious relationships each of which started out with the thought that this might be the one, my soulmate, the woman I start a family and grow old with. Each ended with a broken heart and me thinking well here I am again. Each one was devastating in its own way but none more than the last one.
She was the first and only woman that I asked to marry me and when she said yes I thought finally I had found the one, my soulmate, the woman I would grow old with. The woman I would post pictures of our children’s accomplishments on Facebook with. She came into the relationship with two children and she was upfront that she wouldn’t have another child. Despite that as time went on I started to feel more and more as I finally had found the family I always wanted. I knew I could never take the place of their father, who was still very much in their lives, but still it felt like a true family. Only weeks before the breakup the oldest child drew four pictures. Her mommy, her sister, herself and me and put them up on the refrigerator. Looking at those pictures brought a huge smile to my face because it was confirmation that not only did I see us as a family but they did as well. So when only a few weeks later my fiancée informed me that she was now my ex fiancée it wasn’t just breaking up with her it was breaking up with my family. I won’t lie it was my lowest point I had never been so depressed and it took me awhile to find myself again but I eventually did. Despite that I still wonder if my window has closed. That I will never find that woman to grow old with. That I never will be able to post with pride pictures of my children’s accomplishments on Facebook. Not that I’ve given up hope and I’m still out there swinging but I still wonder and hope that my window is cracked open just a little bit.