Last night I saw you standing on the train platform across from me. You were dressed in that white blouse I loved seeing you in. Your head was buried in your phone, your fingers busily typing, likely a worktext because you were always reading or sending a worktext. And in that work mode, you didn’t see me just like when we were together; I could never really compete with the job. You were driven, and you approached your work with a laser-like focus determined to be the best. That passion for succeeding at all costs played a part in us become distant. Ironically, it was that very same drive and desire to succeed that drew me to you in the first place. You looked up for a second but not in my direction, and even though we were separated by two set of train tracks at that moment, I felt like I was standing inches from you, looking into your eyes. The same eyes that I thought used to light up only for me, the eyes I used to tell you gave you an unfair advantage, the eyes that captured my heart the first time they looked my way. It was crazy, and even I found it hard to believe that the mere sight of you, after all, we went through, the ugly way it ended, I could feel the way I did. They say you don’t know love until love is gone, and I guess that’s true. What I do know is that going our separate ways was the best for both of us, but you can’t simply turn off how you feel about someone you loved, even when you know you shouldn’t be with them. After all, whoever said life and love were fair. It’s not it complicated; it’s difficult, it’s heartbreaking. But it’s worth it if only for that feeling you get when you look into the eyes of that someone special, even if it’s only a memory.
They say I haven’t been the same since you left; maybe they’re right. I’m not going to lie; I never stopped loving you; feelings don’t just disappear. They fade slowly over time, and even when you think they’re gone, something reminds you that a little love remains even if it’s buried deep within your heart. You have moved on, and someone else has your heart now, and I understand why you left, but there will always be that bond between us. You can’t deny that, and yes, I’m different since you left, but in a good way, I’m a better man today because you showed me how to open my heart and truly let someone in to share my deepest emotions. I’m a wiser and better man than before I met you, and even though we’ve moved on, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.
I know now it was a mistake.
I should have never given my heart to you.
You were never going to love me, at least not the way I loved you. You talked a good game. Told me you loved me, made me promise I would never leave you, said I was your everything, but you were never going to give me your heart. You were never going to be my ride or die.
Looking at it now, I see that I was nothing more than a convenience, someone, to occupy you until someone better came along and when you thought you found that someone, you walked away and never looked back.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, I hoped you would come back.
Yes, I wondered what I had done wrong.
Yes, it was a long road back, but through the tears, I found my way back and realized I had done nothing wrong; it was you who couldn’t see what was right in front of you. Today I have found true love, someone who never has to say they love me because every action they take confirms it. Ironically I hear that life isn’t so going smoothly for you, that someone better apparently found someone better than you and left you broken-hearted and alone. I wonder if you sometimes look back and think about us, what might have been if you genuinely put your heart into it. I guess it doesn’t matter now; the past is the past, and while you hurt me, I hold no malice toward you; after all, if it wasn’t for you, I doubt I would have been able to see the difference between real love and just words. So, I guess we both learned a lesson from our time together. I wish you the best.
I used to, but now I never let our breakup define my self-worth.
I put so much of myself into us that when you walked away, it broke me, made me think that I was a failure and that no one would ever love me. But that was not true because I’m a giving man, a loving partner, and I have a kind heart, and just because you didn’t see that does not mean I am not worthy of love; it only means you weren’t ready for it.
I used to, but now I never dwell in the past.
I do not run, hide, or pretend we never existed. I loved you with all my heart, and while you couldn’t give me that love in return, I have let the pain of losing you go. Today you are but a part of my story, a lesson learned. One that I shall grow and gain strength from. Because life exists in the here and now, and so do I.
I used to, but now I never wish for you to come back.
I recognize now that you couldn’t comprehend the fundamental principle that having someone like me in your life is a good thing and as such, logic dictates you were never worthy of me in the first.
It was a cold January moment, and as I was getting ready for work, Queen was emanating from my radio
Each morning I get up, I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord, what you’re doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can’t get no relief,
Can anybody find me, somebody, to love?
I thought to myself that when Freddie Mercury wrote those words, he probably didn’t realize just how many people he was speaking for. People like me find themselves alone at this time of the year. Sure, I survived going to the family Thanksgiving dinner solo and answering the dreaded question of when I will settle down. Then I made it through that empty feeling of waking up on Christmas morning with no one to smile or hug and say I love you to as they unwrapped their gift. New Year’s Eve quickly followed, and of course, there was no special person to kiss as the clock struck midnight. I did it all with a smile, a smile that hid the tears that I kept to myself and only let the mirror see. But the calendar keeps moving, and now here comes another hurdle, Valentine’s day. It’s seemingly everywhere. Go to the drug store, and there are heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears with I love you sweaters everywhere. Turn on the radio and television, and I swear if I hear one more commercial for 1-800-Flowers or Kay Jewelers and their annoying little jingle, every kiss begins with K, I’m going to scream. Even my e-mail account gets in on the fun with a reminder from 1-800-Flowers that Valentine’s day is coming up, and I should make it a special one for her by placing my order early this year.
I thought I would be over her by now. I did everything I was supposed to. I focused on myself. I dropped a few pounds, brought some new clothes, followed all the self-help books right down to the letter; hell, I even stopped going to that psychic who I hoped would tell me that she was coming back. Ask anyone, and they would say to you that I’m getting better, and I would say to them don’t even think about her anymore. But when I’m alone in my thoughts, she is all I can think of.
Why? Why did she leave? Didn’t I show her how much I loved her? Didn’t she tell me she loved me? Freddie Mercury was right; I just can’t get no relief. I don’t understand. Is it so much to ask to have someone’s hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to lay down with every night and wake to every morning, someone to love? In many ways, my life seems empty, and I wonder will it ever not be. But despite all the heartbreak, I feel myself getting a little stronger each day, and when I look in the mirror and see my tears, I try to remember who I am and what I can give. I try to remember that I do have someone to love, myself. Now I can’t pretend that remembering that makes all the pain go away, but hopefully, it will help me understand that I’ll have two people to love myself and someone special one day.
I’ve never been a morning person and this morning was no different. Groggy eyed I stared into the mirror as I brushed my teeth when something strange happened; the reflection in the mirror appeared to be talking to me.
Have you ever regretted falling in love? Wished you never met her?
I rubbed my eyes and thought, okay, I didn’t have anything to drink last night, and I know I’m tired, but this can’t possibly be happening. Then the reflection asked again.
Have you ever regretted falling in love?
Alright, I’ll play along; I mean, if nothing else, this will be an excellent story to tell my therapist. So, I looked in the mirror and said no, not at all. Why not? The reflection asked. I mean, you were hurt, you’re in therapy, that last relationship took a toll on you. Yes, I replied I was hurt, and I’m not ashamed of being in therapy; it’s been really good for me. But the moment didn’t break me. Didn’t it? Asked the reflection. No, It didn’t, I said because I’ve come to realize that moment is but one moment along a longer journey I am on, and I will not be deterred by just one moment. I will continue my journey unafraid of what lies ahead, confident that it will lead me to my true love one day. So, I say again, no, I have never regretted falling in love. With that, the reflection said, great, I was just checking to make sure you still believed in love because someone out there believes in it too, and one day you’re going to find each other. Oh, and by the way, I’d keep this conversation between you and me; tell your therapist, and they just might think you’re losing it.
As I look back now, I guess I owe you an apology. An apology for being so mad when you turned and walked away from us. What I really should have been was thankful.
Confused? Don’t be; it’s simple.
You see, I committed my heart to you, assuming you meant it when you said you loved me and that we would always be together. That day you left, I can’t lie it hurt, hurt like hell. Would I be wrong to say you never really loved me? Maybe, I don’t know, I guess in your way you thought you did. But the truth for me is that I would have been cheating myself if I had settled for you.
Well, it’s been some time since that day you walked away, and I have had time to reflect and heal, and out of that came this realization; I’m a catch. Now maybe you couldn’t see it but trust me when I tell you others do.
You see, I recognize now that I’m not that perfect man you were looking for if he even exists. But what I am is a man who will always be there for the one I love. A man who will always respect and treat my women like a queen and the woman I have committed my heart to now appreciates that and loves me for who I am. She is accepting of me for me, imperfections and all, just as I am of her. We do this because we realize that a relationship is seldom two perfect people finding each other; it’s two imperfect people finding each other and are willing to work together to make each other better. I suspect one day you’ll find someone new and fool them until you can’t. But I wish you only happiness, like everyone, you deserve to be happy. Sadly, though I suspect you’ll never find that happiness until you learn what true love is, hopefully, one day you will. In the meantime, good luck, and thank you again for walking away.