Did you really think you could break me.
That you could convince me that earthly possessions were more valuable than spiritual ones.
That you could strip me of my compassion for others by exploiting inherent fears and prejudices that reside within us all.
That you could drive a wedge between me and my savior.
That you could cause me to abandon my faith and turn my back on him.
Look again and understand this:
My faith is strong in Him not you.
It is He who forgives me of my sins and loves me unconditionally not you.
It is he who I give praise to not you.
It is he who thank each day for allowing me to wake to this beautiful world that He created not you.
It is He who am a child of not you
It is He who has blessed with the promise of eternal life not you for as it is it is written in John 6:40
For it is My Father’s will that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.”
It is because of Him the Lord my savior that you could never break me.
Webster defines air as the mixture of invisible odorless tasteless gases (such as nitrogen and oxygen) that surrounds the earth. Invisible, odorless and tasteless yet It is vital that living things respire to get the oxygen for living cells to function. Without air, there is no life.
Faith is much like the air we can not see. We cannot use physical proof of the Lord’s existence but rather it is our faith that validates his being. Those with faith believe without seeing. We feel His presence not in the physical sense but in the spiritual sense. We accept unconditionally that while He cannot be seen or touched His hand is touching our soul, guiding us, walking with us, protecting us. We feel His aura as it surrounds us. We recognize that He has no beginning and no end and that with Him nothing is impossible without Him there would be no life.
I close my eyes and listen for the silence. I have subconsciously transported my soul, my inner self, to another level. A level where I am all alone, where nothing or no one can touch me. It is here where I find my peace unburdened by expectations, free to speak, even if no one is listening, my feelings, unafraid of what obstacle a higher power has deemed I must jump over this time. Here I feel free a sense of calm. There is no show to put on for others, no feelings to hold on to so as not to offend others, no worries about the next setback. Here I can just be me. But I know I can not stay in this place. So I open my eyes and the light shines through, the noise is all around and I am transported back to reality. It is back to who I am or who I pretend to be. Others will live their lives unencumbered by who I’m really am. They will live with only a hint of the true me that slips out from time to time. I guess that is the way it must be for as Mr. Spock once said the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and I am the few.
Two people, one for the outside world to see one for only me to know. The outside world sees the smile, the upbeat optimism that makes it seem nothing can ever bring me down. But inside I’m hurting, wondering what I did to deserve this lot in life. Feelings of loneliness flood over me even when I’m in a room full of family and friends. Thoughts of dread preoccupy my mind. The slightest mention of you don’t look good or the question what’s the matter with you is met with the response I’m fine or nothing. But the truth is the question itself is frightening and I don’t want to hear it or think about it. Often times I’ll snap at the person asking the question. I know they ask out of concern but I’m tired of thinking about the negative and those questions just flood my mind with the negative.
Alas in the times when I’m feeling good there is no family to share the good times with and by family I mean MY family, a wife, children, grandchildren. I missed out on that, stupid decisions and wrong choices on my part I guess. This is just one more thing I bury deep inside. Because when I express it to family members they don’t understand the hole it has left in my soul, they feel as if I am not valuing them. That of could not be further from the truth I know how much they love me and I love them but as close as we are they’re not MY family not my wife, my children, my grandchildren. It’s something I have always dreamed I would experience in my life but never have. Instead I look on with jealousy as others share stories of their child’s success or even failures. Their lives with their spouses good and bad. Especially the bad because they found a way to work through it while it seems it was always easier for people to walk away from me. Am I that hard to love? Is it not worth the effort to try and make it work with me? Has anyone ever really loved me?
I have always been a believer in a higher power if not religion itself, after all who needs a third party to talk to God. But lately that belief has been shaken. I always tried to do the right thing. I always tried to live right. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but you know what I’m getting pretty close to all I can handle.
Many times I am thankful for that other person, the side the outside world sees. He is filled with high self esteem and boundless optimism. Truth be told if I didn’t have that side to pull from I don’t know where I would be. Work is my refuge. It’s there I pour my heart into. It gives me purpose, I know I’m respected there, I know I’m good at what I do there. I don’t really know what I would do without it besides the obvious loss of income I wonder how losing it would impact my self esteem. Without it would I just fall into a pit of self despair. Again not something I share with anybody most times all you’ll get is the cliche answers – it could be worst, at least you’ve got better than (insert name), be thankful for what you have. Guess what I am thankful, I know it could be worst, I know others have it tougher. That doesn’t make it any better for me because I’m looking at how it impacts me and only me not someone else.
Anyway I know this post has been kind of all over the place I guess I just needed to vent. In the meantime i will lean on the happy side of me and hope things turn around after all I’m Carl Cooke damn it and at the end of the day nothing can stop me…at least I hope.
Life is happening at this very moment. With every breath I exhale all the negativity it tries to force upon me and inhale all the positivity that surrounds me. I have vowed that I will accept and embrace all experiences, even the negative ones but I will never let the negatives ones bring me down. I will learn from them, I will grow from them and I will gain strength from them. They will be a symbol of my growth a sign of my rebirth. Life is happening at this very moment and I am embracing all the wonderful possibilities it has to offer me.
With each loss of those close to me I am reminded of my own mortality. Lost is the fantasy that my time on this Earth is not infinite but only a blink of an eye. That I am no longer the young superhero I believed myself to be. It underscores the fact that every second of every minute of every day that I am able to lay my eyes upon friends and loved ones is truly a blessing. That spending time looking at the glass as half empty instead of half full, grumbling about what I don’t have and getting myself caught up in the chase for material wealth has skewed my view of what is truly important. And what is important? That my happiness does not exist out there but rather inside of myself in my own spiritual wealth, health, family and friends. It is with this realization that I have come to understand that each day should be seized and enjoyed. That I should live my life doing that which makes me happiest, that which I aspire to be. That each day I should strive to bring a smile to the face of those I love because each day is precious tomorrow is not guaranteed.