July 3, 1801, an Interview with Donald Trump

Reporter: Good Afternoon, Donald glad you could sit down with us today on the eve of this country’s 50th anniversary

Trump: I’m sure you, are after all, with all the fake news your tanking in circulation paper puts out, an interview with Donald Trump should be a giant boost for you and a breath of fresh air for your readers.

Reporter: Uh, ok. So you’re planning on giving a big speech tomorrow; what do you say to your critics who argue that the day shouldn’t be about you but the country and that you are the right person to give a speech considering you didn’t fight in the Revolutionary War because of if I’m reading this right bone spurs. This even though before you were diagnosed, the Army had physically examined you and found you in perfect health.

Trump: Well, I had a doctor that gave me a letter — a very strong letter on the heels. I can’t recall the doctor’s name despite having the world’s best memory, but the letter was strong.

Reporter: How would you compare that to say war hero General Nathanael Green who served with Washington in the north and later assumed control of the Southern Army but who as a Quaker was renounced by his church and family for joining the war effort and had little to go back to after the war only to die a few years after the war ended in 1786.

Trump: Well, he’s looked at with such regard because his family and church renounced him. If your own family and church renounce you, you’re kind of a loser, wouldn’t you say. I like winners! That’s all I do win.

Reporter: Ok, moving on. You have been very outspoken about immigration; you believe that we should allow only the exceptional. Many people have questioned just what you mean by exceptional. None other than President Washington said, “I had always hoped that this land might become a safe and agreeable asylum to the virtuous and persecuted part of mankind, to whatever nation they might belong.

Trump: Look first, George Washington approved the Jay Treaty, attempting to normalize the still-volatile relations with Great Britain. It gave the British favored-nation trade status. Favored over France! You know many people may not know this, but France fought with us in the Revolutionary war. But here was George giving in to the British; it was a very bad deal. It was damn near treason. There are other things, but suffice to say I was never a fan of George Washington, and I never will be.”

Reporter: You do realize that the Jay Treaty was a significant success for early American diplomacy

Trump: Major success? That’s fake news. I could have achieved the things that the Jay Treaty is said to have achieved through tariffs.

Reporter: All right, let’s just move on. So you just mentioned fake news, and you have called the press the biggest enemy of the people. How does that mesh with the thoughts of our founding fathers like Thomas Jefferson, who said, “Our liberty depends on freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.

Trump: Look, Jefferson may be President now but let’s be clear he’s not the brightest bulb in the pack and a little more than naïve. For example, he was a farmer and was so obsessed with new crops, soil conditions, garden designs, and scientific agricultural techniques. That he neglected to cash in on his primary cash crop, tobacco, keeping its price low, and as a result, he was rarely profitable; he was always living beyond his means. Now part of the beauty of me is that I am wealthy.

Reporter: I don’t see how that answers the question, but Ok. Let’s talk about another issue you brought up, tariffs. It is well established that our Founding Fathers wanted free trade with the world, and it was The King of England who differed favoring high tariffs and that we should restrict or forbid the colonies from trading with rival nations. Benjamin Franklin called for Britain to “allow us a free commerce with all the rest of the world.” Thomas Jefferson called on the British imperial government not “to exclude us from going to other markets.”

Trump: Again, with the fake news. The founders wanted America’s role to be as a dominant producer. When a country is losing many billions of dollars on trade with virtually every country it does business with, trade wars are good and easy to win. For example, when we are down $100 billion with a certain country, and they get cute, don’t trade anymore-we win big. It’s easy!

Reporter: You’re right that the Founders encouraged manufacturing. But they did so by simultaneously supporting government subsidies for new American manufacturers and advocating free trade agreements, like the Model Treaty adopted by Congress in 1776 that sought to establish bilateral free trade.

Trump: No disrespect to you, but I think I’m pretty smart, a lot smarter than you, so you should let me be the one to talk about trade.

Reporter: Well, on that note, we’re out of time (cough); thanks for the time.

Trump: Did you just cough? You just can’t; you just can’t cough. If you’re going to cough, please leave the room.