Tag Archives: heartbreak

I refuse to stay in the dark

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How could I’ve been so foolish
How could I’ve not seen who you really were
Smitten by you from the very start
You said you loved me till the very end
Yet those words were never really true
Reached in and stole my heart; you did
Then you took it and threw it away
I see now I was just a game to you
Friends tell me I told you so
That they could see through you from the start
I was hurt
I cried
I was broken
But only for a moment
I refuse to stay in the dark
My heart was broken yesterday
But I picked up the pieces
Put them back together today
Now I’m ready to love again
Not afraid to share that love once again
That’s who I am
Out there, someone is just like me
Not afraid to share their love once again
One day we’ll meet
One day we’ll fall in love
One that day will turn into every day
What a wonderful day that will be

Last Night

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Last night I saw you standing on the train platform across from me. You were dressed in that white blouse I loved seeing you in.  Your head was buried in your phone, your fingers busily typing, likely a worktext because you were always reading or sending a worktext.  And in that work mode, you didn’t see me just like when we were together; I could never really compete with the job.  You were driven, and you approached your work with a laser-like focus determined to be the best.  That passion for succeeding at all costs played a part in us become distant. Ironically, it was that very same drive and desire to succeed that drew me to you in the first place.  You looked up for a second but not in my direction, and even though we were separated by two set of train tracks at that moment, I felt like I was standing inches from you, looking into your eyes.  The same eyes that I thought used to light up only for me, the eyes I used to tell you gave you an unfair advantage, the eyes that captured my heart the first time they looked my way. It was crazy, and even I found it hard to believe that the mere sight of you, after all, we went through, the ugly way it ended, I could feel the way I did.  They say you don’t know love until love is gone, and I guess that’s true.  What I do know is that going our separate ways was the best for both of us, but you can’t simply turn off how you feel about someone you loved, even when you know you shouldn’t be with them.  After all, whoever said life and love were fair.  It’s not it complicated; it’s difficult, it’s heartbreaking. But it’s worth it if only for that feeling you get when you look into the eyes of that someone special, even if it’s only a memory.  

I Know Now

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I know now it was a mistake.

I should have never given my heart to you.

You were never going to love me, at least not the way I loved you. You talked a good game. Told me you loved me, made me promise I would never leave you, said I was your everything, but you were never going to give me your heart. You were never going to be my ride or die.

Looking at it now, I see that I was nothing more than a convenience, someone, to occupy you until someone better came along and when you thought you found that someone, you walked away and never looked back.

Yes, I cried.

Yes, I hoped you would come back.

Yes, I wondered what I had done wrong.

Yes, it was a long road back, but through the tears, I found my way back and realized I had done nothing wrong; it was you who couldn’t see what was right in front of you. Today I have found true love, someone who never has to say they love me because every action they take confirms it. Ironically I hear that life isn’t so going smoothly for you, that someone better apparently found someone better than you and left you broken-hearted and alone. I wonder if you sometimes look back and think about us, what might have been if you genuinely put your heart into it. I guess it doesn’t matter now; the past is the past, and while you hurt me, I hold no malice toward you; after all, if it wasn’t for you, I doubt I would have been able to see the difference between real love and just words. So, I guess we both learned a lesson from our time together. I wish you the best.

I Used To But Now I Never

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I used to, but now I never let our breakup define my self-worth.
I put so much of myself into us that when you walked away, it broke me, made me think that I was a failure and that no one would ever love me. But that was not true because I’m a giving man, a loving partner, and I have a kind heart, and just because you didn’t see that does not mean I am not worthy of love; it only means you weren’t ready for it.
I used to, but now I never dwell in the past.
I do not run, hide, or pretend we never existed. I loved you with all my heart, and while you couldn’t give me that love in return, I have let the pain of losing you go. Today you are but a part of my story, a lesson learned. One that I shall grow and gain strength from. Because life exists in the here and now, and so do I.
I used to, but now I never wish for you to come back.
I recognize now that you couldn’t comprehend the fundamental principle that having someone like me in your life is a good thing and as such, logic dictates you were never worthy of me in the first.

Can Anybody Find Me Someone To Love

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It was a cold January moment, and as I was getting ready for work, Queen was emanating from my radio

Each morning I get up, I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry

Lord, what you’re doing to me

I have spent all my years in believing you

But I just can’t get no relief,

Lord!

Somebody, somebody

Can anybody find me, somebody, to love?

I thought to myself that when Freddie Mercury wrote those words, he probably didn’t realize just how many people he was speaking for. People like me find themselves alone at this time of the year. Sure, I survived going to the family Thanksgiving dinner solo and answering the dreaded question of when I will settle down. Then I made it through that empty feeling of waking up on Christmas morning with no one to smile or hug and say I love you to as they unwrapped their gift. New Year’s Eve quickly followed, and of course, there was no special person to kiss as the clock struck midnight. I did it all with a smile, a smile that hid the tears that I kept to myself and only let the mirror see. But the calendar keeps moving, and now here comes another hurdle, Valentine’s day. It’s seemingly everywhere. Go to the drug store, and there are heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears with I love you sweaters everywhere. Turn on the radio and television, and I swear if I hear one more commercial for 1-800-Flowers or Kay Jewelers and their annoying little jingle, every kiss begins with K, I’m going to scream. Even my e-mail account gets in on the fun with a reminder from 1-800-Flowers that Valentine’s day is coming up, and I should make it a special one for her by placing my order early this year.

I thought I would be over her by now. I did everything I was supposed to. I focused on myself. I dropped a few pounds, brought some new clothes, followed all the self-help books right down to the letter; hell, I even stopped going to that psychic who I hoped would tell me that she was coming back. Ask anyone, and they would say to you that I’m getting better, and I would say to them don’t even think about her anymore. But when I’m alone in my thoughts, she is all I can think of.

Why? Why did she leave? Didn’t I show her how much I loved her? Didn’t she tell me she loved me? Freddie Mercury was right; I just can’t get no relief. I don’t understand. Is it so much to ask to have someone’s hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to lay down with every night and wake to every morning, someone to love? In many ways, my life seems empty, and I wonder will it ever not be. But despite all the heartbreak, I feel myself getting a little stronger each day, and when I look in the mirror and see my tears, I try to remember who I am and what I can give. I try to remember that I do have someone to love, myself. Now I can’t pretend that remembering that makes all the pain go away, but hopefully, it will help me understand that I’ll have two people to love myself and someone special one day.

Thank You For Walking Away

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As I look back now, I guess I owe you an apology. An apology for being so mad when you turned and walked away from us. What I really should have been was thankful.
Confused? Don’t be; it’s simple.
You see, I committed my heart to you, assuming you meant it when you said you loved me and that we would always be together. That day you left, I can’t lie it hurt, hurt like hell. Would I be wrong to say you never really loved me? Maybe, I don’t know, I guess in your way you thought you did. But the truth for me is that I would have been cheating myself if I had settled for you.
Why?
Well, it’s been some time since that day you walked away, and I have had time to reflect and heal, and out of that came this realization; I’m a catch. Now maybe you couldn’t see it but trust me when I tell you others do.
You see, I recognize now that I’m not that perfect man you were looking for if he even exists. But what I am is a man who will always be there for the one I love. A man who will always respect and treat my women like a queen and the woman I have committed my heart to now appreciates that and loves me for who I am. She is accepting of me for me, imperfections and all, just as I am of her. We do this because we realize that a relationship is seldom two perfect people finding each other; it’s two imperfect people finding each other and are willing to work together to make each other better. I suspect one day you’ll find someone new and fool them until you can’t. But I wish you only happiness, like everyone, you deserve to be happy. Sadly, though I suspect you’ll never find that happiness until you learn what true love is, hopefully, one day you will. In the meantime, good luck, and thank you again for walking away.

You used to be right there next to me

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You used to be right there next to me.
We would get in the car on a summer day, top-down, and drive to nowhere, with no destination in mind. At each red light, I would glance over at you, and you would always be smiling back at me. You had a way of tilting your head ever so slightly to the right when you smiled at me. I doubt you even realized you were doing it. But I noticed that you only did it when you smiled at me, no one else, and that’s how I knew it was a smile meant only for me, no one else.
You used to be right there next to me.
Down the street, we would walk, no destination in mind. Happy as could be your hand in mine. We laughed at each other’s corny jokes and talked for what seemed like hours. Every chance I got, I glanced at you and were captured by your eyes. Your eyes always had a way of lighting up when you looked at me. I would laugh and tell you that you weren’t playing fair, and you would always say you didn’t know what I was talking about. Maybe you didn’t; perhaps that’s because your eyes only lit up when you looked at me, and that’s how I knew it was a look meant for me, no one else.
Now you’re not there next to me anymore.
The smile and the look meant for me; no one else is gone. I wonder if they belong to someone else. I wonder if you even know that you’re giving him a smile and a look that tells him you love him and no one else.
You used to be right there next to me.

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

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It’s in the mornings when I can still feel you lying next to me; I reach out to pull you closer because when you were in my arms, nothing else mattered. But mornings are nothing more than a dream now, and you’re not here, and you don’t love me anymore.
You looked right in my eyes and told me you loved me, that you wanted to grow old with me. I trusted you with my heart, and you broke it. You made me bitter and unwilling to open my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt again.
My friends, family, and co-workers would tell me to move on. Get back out there, they would say. It could be worst you could be (fill in the blank), they would say. I knew all of this, and I certainly didn’t wake up every day and decide today is yet another day to be miserable. I wanted to be the happy person they knew again. But I was hurting and trying to find my way back home, but the road is longer than the rest for some of us.
As I traveled the road back, I tried to put on a brave face I would tell the world there are plenty of fish in the sea, I’m better off without you, this is for the best I’ll find someone who truly loves me. But I didn’t believe it you were my fish, and I wanted you back. The hardest part of it all is that I thought you truly loved me, and deep down, the thing I didn’t want to admit, I still wanted to believe that you did.
I would walk down the street mesmerized by couples holding hands; I could only think about your hand in mine, and each time I thought if I broke inside a little bit more. I started to notice the people in restaurants eating alone, sitting on the park benches by themselves, and even if they weren’t, and they probably weren’t, I thought they were depressed and lonely, and then I thought, my goodness, that’s me. When I would get home, I would sit down and start crying, all the emotion that I had buried all day, all the questions I had rushing in. How could you go from asking me to promise I would never leave you to leaving me in a matter of days? Why were you so unwilling to try and work it out? How did we go from planning a life together to nothing in a blink of an eye? What’s wrong with me, other couples have problems greater than ours were, yet they find a way to work it out, but you just walked away from me. Why?
BUT ALL THAT WAS THEN; THIS IS NOW
I traveled the long road of despair, depression, self-doubts, and bitterness, and with the help of family, friends, and co-workers, I reemerged the person I was before you but somehow better. The journey was difficult, oh was it difficult, but it was worth it. I realized that sometimes you must look despair squarely in the eye so that you can find yourself. Now I understand the truth, and that is, while you made me happy, you were not the key to my happiness. While I was looking for love, I realized that it was always all around me, from my family, friends, and co-workers but most importantly, within myself. Gone was my fear of falling in love again because I may get hurt, and in its place was the resolve to find the person with intellect, beauty, and the heart to love me as much as I love her. The woman to grow old with.
Today I no longer wonder what’s wrong with me but understand that many relationships come to an end, not because of one person but because both parties have outgrown it, even if one person doesn’t realize it at the time. When it ends, I’ll take each relationship as a lesson and embrace the imprint it leaves on me because it is a part of me. I will take the good in each and cherish it and the bad in each and discard it. Not so easy to do, trust me, I know, but with the help of family, friends, and co-workers, I have found the strength to do it.

A Symbol of My Rebirth

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Hurt left an indelible scar on my soul.
I cannot run from it.
I cannot hide from it.
I cannot pretend it does not exist.

It has become a part in who I am and what I will become.run from hurt

So, I will not hide from it,
I will embrace it.
I will learn from it.
I will gain strength from it.
I will grow from it.

The scar will not be a symbol of my pain.
The scar will be a symbol of my survival.
The scar will be a symbol of my strength.
The scar will be a symbol of my rebirth.

Hurt may have left an indelible scar on my soul
but it can not stop me from moving forward no regrets, no remorse