Tag Archives: heartbreak

I Used To But Now I Never

I used to but now I never let our breakup define myself self-worth.

I put so much of myself into us that when you walked away it broke me, made me think that I was a failure and that no one would ever love me. But that was simply not true because I’m a giving man, a loving partner and I have a kind heart and just because you didn’t see that does not mean I am not worthy of love, it only means you weren’t ready for it

I used to but now I never dwell in the past.

I do not run, hide, or pretend we never existed. I loved you with all my heart and while you couldn’t give me that love in return I have let the pain of losing you go. Today you are but a part of my story, a lesson learned. One that I shall grow and gain strength from. Because life exist in the here and now and so do I.

I used to but now I never wish for you to come back.

I recognize now that you simply couldn’t comprehend the basic principle that having someone like me in your life is a good thing and as such logic dictates you were never worthy of me in the first

Can Anybody Find Me Someone To Love

It was a cold January moment and as I was getting ready for work Queen was emanating from my radio

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you’re doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can’t get no relief,
Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I thought to myself you know when Freddie Mercury wrote those words he probably didn’t realize just how many people he was speaking for. People like me who find themselves alone at this time of the year. Sure, I survived going to the family Thanksgiving dinner solo and answering the dreaded question of when I am going to settle down. Then I made it through that empty feeling of waking up on Christmas morning with no one to smile or hug, and say I love you to as they unwrapped their gift. New Year’s Eve quickly followed and of course there was no special person to kiss as the clock struck midnight. I did it all with a smile, a smile that hid the tears that I kept to myself and only let the mirror see. But the calendar keeps moving and now here comes another hurdle, Valentine’s day. It’s seemingly everywhere. Go to the drug store and there are heart shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears with I love you sweaters everywhere. Turn on the radio and television and I swear if I hear one more commercial for 1-800-Flowers or Kay Jewelers and their annoying little jingle, every kiss begins with K, I’m going to scream. Even my e-mail account gets in on the fun with a reminder from 1-800-Flowers that Valentine’s day is coming up and I should make it a special one for her by placing my order early this year.

I thought I would be over her by now. I did everything I was supposed to. I focused on myself. dropped a few pounds, brought some new clothes, followed all the self-help books right down to the letter, hell I even stopped going to that psychic who I hoped would tell me that she was coming back. Ask anyone and they would tell you that I’m getting better and I would tell them don’t even think about her anymore. But when I’m alone in my thoughts she is all I can think of.

Why? Why did she leave? Didn’t I show her how much I loved her? Didn’t she tell me she loved me? Freddie Mercury was right, I just can’t get no relief. I don’t understand, is it so much to ask to have someone’s hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to lay down with every night and wake to every morning, someone to love? In many ways my life seems empty and I wonder will it ever not be. But despite all the heartbreak I do feel myself getting a little stronger each day and when I look in the mirror and see my tears I try to remember who I am and what I can give. I try to remember that I do have someone to love, myself. Now I can’t pretend that remembering that makes all the pain go away but hopefully it will help me understand that one day I’ll have two people to love myself and someone special.

Thank You For Walking Away

As I look back now I guess I owe you an apology. An apology for being so mad when you turned and walked away from us. What I really should have been was thankful.

Confused? Don’t be, it simple really.

You see I committed my heart to you, assumed you really meant it when you said you loved me, and that we would always be together. That day you left I can’t lie it hurt, hurt like hell. Would I be wrong to say you never really loved me? Maybe, I don’t know, I guess in your own way you thought you did. But the truth for me is that I would have been cheating myself if I had settled for you.

Why?

Well it’s been some time since that day you walked away, and I have had time to reflect and heal and out of that came this realization; I’m a catch. Now maybe you couldn’t see it but trust me when I tell you others do.

You see I recognize now that I’m not that perfect man you were looking for, if he even exists. But what I am is a man who will always be there for the one I love.  A man who will always respect and treat my woman like a queen and the woman that I have committed my heart to now appreciates that and loves me for who I am. She is accepting of me for me, imperfections and all, just as I am of her. We do this because we realize that a relationship is seldom two perfect people finding each other, it’s two imperfect people finding each other and are willing to work together to make each other better. I suspect one day you’ll find someone new and fool them until you can’t. But I wish you only happiness, like everyone you deserve to be happy. Sadly, though I suspect you’ll never find that happiness until you learn what true love is, hopefully one day you will. In the meantime good luck and thank you again for walking away.

You used to be right there next to me

You used to be right there next to me.

We would get in the car on a summer day, top down and drive to nowhere, no destination in mind. At each red light I would glance over at you and you would always be smiling back at me. You had a way of tilting your head ever so slightly to the right when you smiled at me. I doubt you even realized you were doing it. But I noticed that you only did it when you smiled at me no one else and that’s how I knew it was a smile meant only for me, no one else

You used to be right there next to me.

Down the street we would walk, no destination in mind. Happy as could be your hand in mine. We laughed at each other’s corny jokes and talked for what seemed like hours. Every chance I got I glanced at you and were captured by your eyes. Your eyes, they always had a way of lighting up when you looked at me. I would laugh and tell you that you weren’t playing fair and you would always say you didn’t know what I was talking about. Maybe you didn’t, maybe that’s because your eyes only lit up when you looked at me and that’s how I knew it was a look meant for me, no one else.

Now you’re not there next to me anymore.

The smile and the look meant for me, no one else is gone. I wonder if they belong to someone else. I wonder if you even know that you’re giving him a smile and a look that tells him you love him and no else.

You used to be right there next to me.

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

It’s in the mornings when I can still feel you lying next to me, I reach out to pull you closer, because when you were in my arms nothing else mattered. But mornings are nothing more than a dream now and you’re not here and you don’t love me anymore.

You looked right in my eyes and told me you loved me, that you wanted to grow old with me. I trusted you with my heart and you broke it. You made me bitter and unwilling to open my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt again.

My friends, family and co-workers would tell me to move on. Get back out there they would say. It could be worst you could be (fill in the blank) they would say.  I knew all of this and I certainly didn’t wake up every day and decide today is yet another day to be miserable. I wanted to be the happy person they knew again. But I was hurting and trying to find my way back home, but for some of us the road is longer than the rest.

As I traveled the road back I tried to put on a brave face I would tell the world there are plenty of fish in the sea, I’m better off without you, this is for the best I’ll find someone who truly loves me. But I didn’t believe it you were my fish and I wanted you back. The hardest part of it all is that I believed you truly loved me and deep down, the thing I didn’t want to admit, I still wanted to believe that you did.

I would walk down the street mesmerized by couples holding hands, I could only think about your hand in mine and each time I thought it I broke inside a little bit more. I started to notice the people in restaurants eating alone, sitting on the park benches by themselves and even if they weren’t, and they probably weren’t, I thought they were depressed and lonely and then I thought my goodness that’s me. When I would get home, I would sit down and start crying, all the emotion that I had buried all day, all the questions I had rushing in. How could you go from asking me to promise I would never leave you to leaving me in a matter of days? Why were you so unwilling to try and work it out? How did we go from planning a life together to nothing in a blink of an eye? What’s wrong with me, other couples have problems greater than ours were yet they find a way to work it out, but you just walked away from me. Why?

BUT ALL THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

I traveled the long road of despair, depression, self-doubts, and bitterness and with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I reemerged the person I was before you but somehow better.  The journey was difficult, oh was it difficult, but it was worth it. I realized that sometimes you must look despair squarely in the eye so that you can find yourself. Now I understand the truth and that is while you made me happy you were not the key to my happiness.  I realized that while I was looking for love it was always all around me from my family, friends, and co-workers but most importantly with-in myself. Gone was my fear of falling in love again because I may get hurt and in its place was the resolve to find the person with intellect, beauty, and the heart to love me as much as I love her. The woman to grow old with.

Today I no longer wonder what’s wrong with me but understand that many relationships come to an end not because of one person but because both parties have simply outgrown it, even if one person doesn’t realize it at the time. When it ends I’ll take each relationship as a lesson and embrace the imprint it leaves on me, because it is a part of me. I will take the good in each and cherish it and the bad in each and discard it. Not so easy to do, trust me I know, but with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I have found the strength to do it.

A Symbol of My Rebirth

Hurt left an indelible scar on my soul.
I cannot run from it.
I cannot hide from it.
I cannot pretend it does not exist.

It has become a part in who I am and what I will become.run from hurt

So, I will not hide from it,
I will embrace it.
I will learn from it.
I will gain strength from it.
I will grow from it.

The scar will not be a symbol of my pain.
The scar will be a symbol of my survival.
The scar will be a symbol of my strength.
The scar will be a symbol of my rebirth.

Hurt may have left an indelible scar on my soul
but it can not stop me from moving forward no regrets, no remorse

The Voice of a Storm

Quietly I sat looking pass her and out the window at the raindrops as they danced to the ground and wondered to myself; How did we even get here?

The rain, I have always loved the rain. Each rainstorm a thing of beauty, with its bolts of lightning and booms of thunder.  How it makes the sidewalks glisten and the umbrellas dance.  But what I really love about the rain is the thing that makes each storm unique and that’s its voice. Close my eyes and I can hear each story that it tells. There was one story, one I’ll never forget, a love story, my love story, and not to be egotistical but if you saw it you wouldn’t forget it either.

We sat in the car as the storm swirled all around us. Its lightning streaked across the sky illuminating the night, its raindrops danced merrily on the roof and with each thunderclap its shouted aloud for all to hear, on this night, in this storm, a love affair was about to begin.

It’s in your eyes, what can I say. They turn me on. – Prince

I looked into her eyes, because it was always her eyes, mesmerizing in every way all it took was one look to pull me right in. It was at that moment, in that storm, that I knew there was no escaping her, no turning back. Then she looked back at me and uttered two words kiss me she said. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t resist and with that kiss my heart was all in.

She wasn’t like the others, or so that what I thought, and before I knew it my heart she did possess. She told me she loved me and asked would I always be there. Of course, isn’t it evident, don’t you know I could never love another I said. Looking back now my mistake was crystal clear, I simply forgot to ask her is that the way she also feels.

As the years went by several chapters did we write. Some were good, some were bad, and some a little bit of both. But with each new chapter it was becoming apparent that what had begun as a brilliant love story was beginning to fade.

Now here we sat a storm swirling all around us. A storm not unlike that first storm but also very different. The rain drops did not dance merrily, the lightning did not joyfully streak across the sky and the thunder only mustered a whisper. Like on that first night I looked into her eyes, because it was always her eyes still mesmerizing as ever, but this time all it took was one look to let me go and, in that moment, in that storm I knew right there was no keeping her, no turning back.  She looked at me and uttered four words we both know it’s done she said. I knew she was right but couldn’t believe it and with those four words my heart was let go.

I looked out the window at one last lightning bolt as it streaked across the sky, and with one last thunderclap the storm shouted aloud for all to hear, on this night, in this storm, a love affair had come to an end