Tag Archives: healing

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

It’s in the mornings when I can still feel you lying next to me, I reach out to pull you closer, because when you were in my arms nothing else mattered. But mornings are nothing more than a dream now and you’re not here and you don’t love me anymore.

You looked right in my eyes and told me you loved me, that you wanted to grow old with me. I trusted you with my heart and you broke it. You made me bitter and unwilling to open my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt again.

My friends, family and co-workers would tell me to move on. Get back out there they would say. It could be worst you could be (fill in the blank) they would say.  I knew all of this and I certainly didn’t wake up every day and decide today is yet another day to be miserable. I wanted to be the happy person they knew again. But I was hurting and trying to find my way back home, but for some of us the road is longer than the rest.

As I traveled the road back I tried to put on a brave face I would tell the world there are plenty of fish in the sea, I’m better off without you, this is for the best I’ll find someone who truly loves me. But I didn’t believe it you were my fish and I wanted you back. The hardest part of it all is that I believed you truly loved me and deep down, the thing I didn’t want to admit, I still wanted to believe that you did.

I would walk down the street mesmerized by couples holding hands, I could only think about your hand in mine and each time I thought it I broke inside a little bit more. I started to notice the people in restaurants eating alone, sitting on the park benches by themselves and even if they weren’t, and they probably weren’t, I thought they were depressed and lonely and then I thought my goodness that’s me. When I would get home, I would sit down and start crying, all the emotion that I had buried all day, all the questions I had rushing in. How could you go from asking me to promise I would never leave you to leaving me in a matter of days? Why were you so unwilling to try and work it out? How did we go from planning a life together to nothing in a blink of an eye? What’s wrong with me, other couples have problems greater than ours were yet they find a way to work it out, but you just walked away from me. Why?

BUT ALL THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

I traveled the long road of despair, depression, self-doubts, and bitterness and with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I reemerged the person I was before you but somehow better.  The journey was difficult, oh was it difficult, but it was worth it. I realized that sometimes you must look despair squarely in the eye so that you can find yourself. Now I understand the truth and that is while you made me happy you were not the key to my happiness.  I realized that while I was looking for love it was always all around me from my family, friends, and co-workers but most importantly with-in myself. Gone was my fear of falling in love again because I may get hurt and in its place was the resolve to find the person with intellect, beauty, and the heart to love me as much as I love her. The woman to grow old with.

Today I no longer wonder what’s wrong with me but understand that many relationships come to an end not because of one person but because both parties have simply outgrown it, even if one person doesn’t realize it at the time. When it ends I’ll take each relationship as a lesson and embrace the imprint it leaves on me, because it is a part of me. I will take the good in each and cherish it and the bad in each and discard it. Not so easy to do, trust me I know, but with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I have found the strength to do it.

Strong Enough To Remember You Now

Days weeks months, that’s how long I told the world I didn’t even think about you anymore. But that was a lie and whenever I let my guard down you were there in my memories. Reminding me of the time we walked down that street, ate at that restaurant, listened to that song, or saw that movie. I would do my best to push you out, but I couldn’t, the memory of us and what we were was too strong and it hurt, it hurt a lot.

There have been others since you, they’ve come and gone, none lasted for very long. I would asked myself why? Was I subconsciously compared them to you? Was I being too protective of my heart? Was I building a wall around it, so no one could ever walk away from and break it again? The truth is I was doing all those things and more

But time has a funny way of healing you. For me it was a daily grind and I came to realize that trying to forget someone you loved as much as I loved you is… well it’s impossible. But I got a little stronger each day and slowly I began to remember who I was before you and I started picked up the pieces. Slowly and meticulously I put them back together. The scar where you once resided in my heart still a vivid reminder of us. But not a symbol of pain anymore.

Today I’m strong enough to remember the good and bad and the love we shared. The thought of you is no longer painful, no longer an obstacle to my moving forward. Now when I remember what we once had it brings a smile to my face.   I guess that is because deep down there will always be that special place that you occupy in my heart and I’m okay with that because I’m strong enough to remember you now.

A Symbol of My Rebirth

Hurt left an indelible scar on my soul.
I cannot run from it.
I cannot hide from it.
I cannot pretend it does not exist.

It has become a part in who I am and what I will become.run from hurt

So, I will not hide from it,
I will embrace it.
I will learn from it.
I will gain strength from it.
I will grow from it.

The scar will not be a symbol of my pain.
The scar will be a symbol of my survival.
The scar will be a symbol of my strength.
The scar will be a symbol of my rebirth.

Hurt may have left an indelible scar on my soul
but it can not stop me from moving forward no regrets, no remorse

Did you ever really love me?

You hesitated for a second then looked right in mu eye and said: “To tell you the truth I don’t remember” and just like that you were gone.

It’s the art of the bluff. In poker the best hand doesn’t always win; a skillful player can force a player with a better hand to walk away simply by playing confidently and raising accordingly. The risk however is great. If the person sitting across from them doesn’t walk away, calls their bluff and pushes their chips to the center of the table… well cards don’t lie and the best hand wins. The bluffer loses everything.

Love however offers a completely upside-down take on the bluff. With love someone can pretend to be all in with no risk at all to themselves because if the other person calls their bluff and falls in love with them they don’t lose anything, the person who called the bluff does. Because unlike poker the bluffer didn’t put anything in the middle only the person who believed they were in a loving relationship did, they put their heart in the middle and just like poker the cards don’t lie and in the game of love the heart flush loses.

Losing it all can be devastating, after all they lied to you. Looked you right in the eyes and told you they loved you, that they wanted to spend their life with you and you believed them. Their bluff almost broke you. But it’s how you react now that will determine if this was simply one bad hand or the beginning of the end. Love is a gamble and you must be willing to take a chance again. You must be willing to put your heart back on the table again to someone who you will barely know and trust that they aren’t bluffing and are ready to give their heart back to you. You can’t play it safe, afraid to put your heart back into the game. Because as the old poker saying goes you can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle, but you can’t win much either. Unquestionably you’ll never get hurt again playing safe. But you’ll never know the feeling of waking up and looking over at the person next to you with a smile knowing that you’re going to grow old with them, that you would do anything for them and that they would do anything for you. Sure, you may have called a bluff and lost, it’s ok so have most of us, so lick your wounds, give your heart a moment to mend and then cash back into the game. Because after all you can’t win at the game of love if you don’t play the game of love.

 

 

The seconds are fleeting

The final bows have been taken the stage lights begin to dim and the curtain comes down. It just me all alone in a quiet and empty room and now with no need to pretend this mask I can remove.

The mask, my face to the world, it hides my true feelings, my true emotions. Alone and without my mask I can be who I really am if only just for a few fleeting seconds.

A single tear rolls down my face as I envision your smile and while I know you’re not there I still reach out for your hand to pull you close to me, to feel your touch, to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you one more time.

If only in my mind.

If only for these fleeting seconds.

I can hear them now, the crowd settling back in and your hand begins to slip from mine. The stage lights flicker, and my mask is back in place the curtain rises the show must go on and our seconds, well our seconds were only fleeting and now they are gone

seconds

You Are Not Alone

They see the smile, a smile that conceals the pain behind it. 

They see the many friends, friends that hide the loneliness within you. 

They hear the laughter, laughter that disguises the depression you feel. 

They watch as you reach out to all those who need help never imagining you secretly covet someone to reach out to you. 

Your face is a mask and you are but an actor. But there are fleeting seconds when the stage lights dim, the crowd empties out and now alone you remove your mask and to see the tears that are streaming down your face. 

But in those seconds know this, you are not alone.  There is someone who feels your pain, knows your loneliness and sees your depression.  Someone who has always loved you and whose arms have always been outstretched toward you. That someone is the Lord and all you need to do is believe. Believe that if you put your faith in Him in time He will relieve you of your troubles and you will need your mask no more.

Memories of Us

It’s been a minute hasn’t it been, but there you were in my dreams again tip toeing into my subconscious when I thought I had forgotten all about you.  I’m not going to lie seeing you again brought a smile to my face, all the good memories we created together flooding my mind.  It’s funny now to think there was a time that the thought of you and I, what we were and how that is no more made me sad. But that time has passed, I’m so much stronger now. Aware now of all the love that had always been afforded me by so many.  To finally understand that the love of the Lord is stronger than any love I could ever desire.  I’ve learned to embrace myself, to love myself. So yes, now the memory of the happy times between us, and there were some damn good times, makes me smile for I accept now they were an essential part of the journey I’ve been on to be the person I am today.  Goodbye for now it was nice seeing you again and I hope you have found the happiness that you were a part of in me finding mine.