It was a cold January moment and as I was getting ready for work Queen was emanating from my radio
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you’re doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can’t get no relief,
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I thought to myself you know when Freddie Mercury wrote those words he probably didn’t realize just how many people he was speaking for. People like me who find themselves alone at this time of the year. Sure, I survived going to the family Thanksgiving dinner solo and answering the dreaded question of when I am going to settle down. Then I made it through that empty feeling of waking up on Christmas morning with no one to smile or hug, and say I love you to as they unwrapped their gift. New Year’s Eve quickly followed and of course there was no special person to kiss as the clock struck midnight. I did it all with a smile, a smile that hid the tears that I kept to myself and only let the mirror see. But the calendar keeps moving and now here comes another hurdle, Valentine’s day. It’s seemingly everywhere. Go to the drug store and there are heart shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears with I love you sweaters everywhere. Turn on the radio and television and I swear if I hear one more commercial for 1-800-Flowers or Kay Jewelers and their annoying little jingle, every kiss begins with K, I’m going to scream. Even my e-mail account gets in on the fun with a reminder from 1-800-Flowers that Valentine’s day is coming up and I should make it a special one for her by placing my order early this year.
I thought I would be over her by now. I did everything I was supposed to. I focused on myself. dropped a few pounds, brought some new clothes, followed all the self-help books right down to the letter, hell I even stopped going to that psychic who I hoped would tell me that she was coming back. Ask anyone and they would tell you that I’m getting better and I would tell them don’t even think about her anymore. But when I’m alone in my thoughts she is all I can think of.
Why? Why did she leave? Didn’t I show her how much I loved her? Didn’t she tell me she loved me? Freddie Mercury was right, I just can’t get no relief. I don’t understand, is it so much to ask to have someone’s hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to lay down with every night and wake to every morning, someone to love? In many ways my life seems empty and I wonder will it ever not be. But despite all the heartbreak I do feel myself getting a little stronger each day and when I look in the mirror and see my tears I try to remember who I am and what I can give. I try to remember that I do have someone to love, myself. Now I can’t pretend that remembering that makes all the pain go away but hopefully it will help me understand that one day I’ll have two people to love myself and someone special.
Look it’s a shooting star. Even among all the shimmering lights in the sky it effortlessly captures your gaze. Its brilliance undeniably unique even among all the other stars in the sky. But look quickly because in the blink of an eye it will be gone.
Like the shooting star someone special will one day capture your gaze as they streak across your heart and in that moment do not not blink but act quickly and take hold of that feeling because before you know it will be gone and all you’ll be left with is a memory and a question of what might have been.
Oh, hi love, how are you doing today? Come on in and have a seat, you’re right on time. You know I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while now. I’ve got a question that I really need you to clear up for me.
Now to be clear I’m not mad at you, in fact I’m one of your biggest fans, but I am just a little puzzled by one thing. You know I’ve always admired you, I mean from the second I was born I had a front row seat to one of your long running performances, the enduring love affair between my mother and father, so I am aware of how beautiful you can be. I also have seen the strongest man in a room openly weep when you abandon him, and the smallest woman tap into you for the strength of a thousand of those men to protect her child. So yes, I am aware of the power you possess as well.
But for the life of me I can’t figure out why you so often hurt those who believe in you? It’s as if you take joy blissfully dancing into their hearts only to walk away when they fully committed to you? Wait, don’t answer that, something tells me the reasons for this are best left unsaid and that even if you told me I probably wouldn’t understand. You know what, let’s just pretend this conversation never happened. Because no matter what the reasons may be I’m still going to have a lot of love for you love. Sure, you upset me, flip my world upside down and cause me to be bitter from time to time. But it always passes, and I always come back.
Do you know why? I’ll tell you.
I was reading the Bible and I came across the verse that said you never give up, never lose faith, that you’re always hopeful and that you endure through every circumstance. Wow that’s powerful and frankly doesn’t sound like something to quit but something worth believing in. So, I keep the faith because I’ve got a hunch you have something big planned for me.
So, thanks for dropping by today I hope my hunch is right and I see you again real soon.
The final bows have been taken the stage lights begin to dim and the curtain comes down. It just me all alone in a quiet and empty room and now with no need to pretend this mask I can remove.
The mask, my face to the world, it hides my true feelings, my true emotions. Alone and without my mask I can be who I really am if only just for a few fleeting seconds.
A single tear rolls down my face as I envision your smile and while I know you’re not there I still reach out for your hand to pull you close to me, to feel your touch, to look into your eyes and tell you that I love you one more time.
If only in my mind.
If only for these fleeting seconds.
I can hear them now, the crowd settling back in and your hand begins to slip from mine. The stage lights flicker, and my mask is back in place the curtain rises the show must go on and our seconds, well our seconds were only fleeting and now they are gone
It’s been a minute hasn’t it been, but there you were in my dreams again tip toeing into my subconscious when I thought I had forgotten all about you.I’m not going to lie seeing you again brought a smile to my face, all the good memories we created together flooding my mind. It’s funny now to think there was a time that the thought of you and I, what we were and how that is no more made me sad. But that time has passed, I’m so much stronger now. Aware now of all the love that had always been afforded me by so many. To finally understand that the love of the Lord is stronger than any love I could ever desire. I’ve learned to embrace myself, to love myself. So yes, now the memory of the happy times between us, and there were some damn good times, makes me smile for I accept now they were an essential part of the journey I’ve been on to be the person I am today.Goodbye for now it was nice seeing you again and I hope you have found the happiness that you were a part of in me finding mine.
Enjoy reading the blog then you and you’re friends will love reading the perfect coffee table book for Valentine’s Day- Listen Intently, KIss Passionately, Love Intensively, Respect Eternally. The thoughts and musings of an ordinary guy about love
Plus feel inspired and get your motivation on with-A God for Us The thoughts and musings of an ordinary guy.
Inside the complex mind of the most Intelligent human resides the mind of a child. A mind unfiltered by society’s beliefs and prejudices. A mind that does not see ethnic background, nationality or color of their skin. A mind that does not distinguish between gender or sexual orientation. A mind that does not value someone based on socio-economic standing. But a mind that simply sees another human, a smiling face to interact with. The beauty in its simplicity can not be fully described by even the most complex of minds.