Category Archives: Love Lost

when you realize they’re not the one

She used to be right there on my right

She used to be right there on my right, my hand resting on the stick shift, her hand resting comfortably on mine. The top down and the warm summer air all around us as we drove for miles with no particular destination in mind. Every red light I would glance over at her and be captured by her smile. She had a way of tilting her head to the right ever so slightly when she smiled at me. It was so slight I doubt she even realized she was doing it. But that was because she only did it when she smiled at me and that’s how I knew it was a smile meant for me, no one else.

She used to be right there on my right, her hand comfortably in mine as we walked down the street. Talking and laughing as we walked for miles with no particular destination in mind. Every chance I got I would glance over at her and be captured by her eyes. Her eyes had a way of lighting up when she looked at me. I would tell her she wasn’t playing fair but she always said she didn’t know what I was talking about. But that was because they only lit up when she looked at me and that’s how I knew it was a look meant for me, no one else.

But she is no longer on my right and her smile, her look, a smile and a look meant for me, no one else is gone. I wonder if they belong to someone else. I wonder if she even knows that she’s giving him a smile and a look that tells him she loves him and no else.

She used to be right there on my right.

That was then…I found myself now

It’s in the mornings when I can still feel her lying next to me, when I reach out to pull her closer to me, when she is still in my arms and nothing else matters. But mornings are nothing more than a dream and when I fully wake the truth remains, she is not here and she don’t love me anymore.

She lied to me, looked right in my eyes, told me she loved me, that she wanted to grow old with me. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it, left it in a million pieces. I used to believe in love now I’m simply bitter unwilling to open my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt again.

Friends, family, co-workers tell me to get over it, to move on, that I just need to get out there, that she were no good for me, that It could be worst I could be (fill in the blank).  Believe me I know all this this, I certainly don’t wake up every day and decide today is yet another day to be miserable. I would love to be the happy friend, family member, co-worker they once knew. I’m hurting and I’m trying to find my way back home but for some of us the road is longer than the rest.

As I travel that road back I try to put on a brave face for the world I use phases like there are plenty of fish in the sea, you’re right I’m better off without them, this is for the best I’ll find someone who truly love me. But you know what I had my fish and I want it back.  Deep down I know I’m better off without her but I want her back anyway. Most troubling of all is that I thought she truly loved me and deep down, the thing I don’t want to admit, I still want to believe that she does.

As the days goes by I find myself obsessed with couples and singles. I walk down the street mesmerized by people holding hands, I find myself staring at their hands remembering her hand in mine, each time this happen I feel I break down a little bit more inside. I also find myself increasing noticing the single person in the restaurant window eating alone, sitting on the park bench, or walking alone and seem to be so lonely and unhappy. I say to myself oh my goodness that’s me. When I get home I sit down and start crying all the emotion that I had buried, all the questions I have about the breakup rushing back to the forefront of my conscience – how could someone go from asking me to promise I would never leave them to leaving me in a matter of days, why was she unwilling to try and work it out, how do you go from planning a life together to nothing in a blink of an eye. What is wrong with me, other couples have problems so much greater than ours yet they find a way to work it out, but she just walked away from me. Why?

BUT ALL THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW

I traveled the long road through the tunnel of despair, depression, self-doubts, and bitterness and with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I emerged the person I was but better.  The journey while difficult was worth it because sometimes you must look despair squarely in the eye to find yourself and at the of my journey I had found myself again.  I realized that my ex made me happy but she was not the key to my happiness.  I realized that while I was looking for love it was always all around me from family, friends, and co-workers but most importantly with-in myself. Gone was the fear of falling in love because I may get hurt again and its place was the resolve to find that person with the intellect, beauty, and heart to be the woman I will grow old with.  I no longer put on a face for the world to believe I was happy but show my real face because in traveling the road back I found the keys to being truly happy.  I no longer wonder what is wrong with me but understand many relationships end not because of one person but because both parties have outgrown the relationship, even if one person doesn’t realize it at the time and when they end the smart ones understand that each relationship is a lesson, each leaves an imprint on you, becomes a part of you are. Some relationships are fun, some are intense, some are fleeting, others where you believe it’s going to last forever. In the end it’s up to you to take the good from each and cherish it, take the bad and discard it and learn from all of it. Not so easy to do all the time but with the help of family, friends, and co-workers you will find the strength to do so it you travel the road back.

 

 

 

Facebook feed jealousy and regret

Over the past few weeks my Facebook feed has been filled with pictures of my friend’s children graduating elementary, high school or college. Going to the junior prom or the prom. All of them accompanied by posts expressing pride at their children’s accomplishment or bemoaning the fact that the years have gone by so fast. I admit that I look at these posts with both jealousy and regret. Jealousy that I don’t have what they have. Regret that I made so many wrong turns in my relationships that I screwed up any chance of having it.

Growing up I believed that I would live the fairy tale, marry the love of my life, have two children of our own and adopt one to provide a loving home to a child in need. But life more often then not is not a fairy tale. The character Sonny in Bronx Tale said – You’re only allowed three great women in your lifetime. In my life I have had three long term serious relationships each of which started out with the thought that this might be the one, my soulmate, the woman I start a family and grow old with. Each ended with a broken heart and me thinking well here I am again. Each one was devastating in its own way but none more than the last one.

She was the first and only woman that I asked to marry me and when she said yes I thought finally I had found the one, my soulmate, the woman I would grow old with. The woman I would post pictures of our children’s accomplishments on Facebook with. She came into the relationship with two children and she was upfront that she wouldn’t have another child. Despite that as time went on I started to feel more and more as I finally had found the family I always wanted. I knew I could never take the place of their father, who was still very much in their lives, but still it felt like a true family. Only weeks before the breakup the oldest child drew four pictures. Her mommy, her sister, herself and me and put them up on the refrigerator. Looking at those pictures brought a huge smile to my face because it was confirmation that not only did I see us as a family but they did as well. So when only a few weeks later my fiancée informed me that she was now my ex fiancée it wasn’t just breaking up with her it was breaking up with my family. I won’t lie it was my lowest point I had never been so depressed and it took me awhile to find myself again but I eventually did. Despite that I still wonder if my window has closed. That I will never find that woman to grow old with. That I never will be able to post with pride pictures of my children’s accomplishments on Facebook. Not that I’ve given up hope and I’m still out there swinging but I still wonder and hope that my window is cracked open just a little bit.

Maybe in the next life

For the longest I wondered what if I had walked away from that last argument. Would things have been different? Would we still be together? The answer of course is no. Maybe we would have stayed together another day, a week, maybe a month but the end was as inevitable as the start. Drawn to each other, needing each other really for our own separate and selfish reasons. We were destined to be together, but we weren’t destined to stay together. We were lovers before we had a chance to lay a foundation to build on, to become best friends. Without that it was easy to take each other for granted, to push our own wants and needs to the front of the line. No one would ever confuse our relationship as being built on compromise. Yet there was something there wasn’t there? Something that even long lasting relationships don’t have. An electricity between us, an aura, that distinctive quality that seemed to surround and be generated by us being together. You could feel it, other could sense it, the way they would look at us it was clear that two of us together were something special. But love does not last based on an aura. Love last when two people put in the time and effort to keep it alive. An even if two people truly do love each other if they don’t put in that effort the aura will dim, the love will fade. For us the effort was simply not there. It wasn’t our destiny to stay together, not in this life. But maybe our souls will cross in a future life and we’ll get it right as I suspect we have done in past lives. Destiny simply can not be denied.

Or else forgot about it.

Her eyes were her calling card and she knew it. Beautifuland especially good at drawing you in and once they had you all she needed to do was say the things that made you want to believe it was real.

You are my hero everyday she would tell me.
Promise me you’ll never leave she would ask.
I love you she would proclaim.

As much as I wanted to believe she was the one. As much as I wanted to believe her words were real. I knew that words were just that, words.

So I looked into her beautiful eyes, the ones I wanted to believe I would look into forever and said

Give me your heart
Make it real
Or else forget about it

Faced with this decision she looked back at me, closed her eyes, perhaps to let me go and said I can’t do it. Then she turned and walked away and just like that she was gone.  And that was more than telling than any words she ever uttered.

There was a Time

There was a time when I would see your face when I looked at any woman.  But that was only an illusion, no more real than any of the times you said the words I love you.

There was a time when I thought I had found my soul-mate in you. But that was only an illusion, no more real than the times you said that you wanted to share your life with me.

There was a time when I believed we would never come to an end. But that was only an illusion, no more real than your what your true feelings were for me.

There was a time but it was only an illusion.