I know now it was a mistake.
I should have never given my heart to you.
You were never going to love me, at least not the way I loved you. You talked a good game. Told me you loved me, made me promise I would never leave you, said I was your everything, but you were never going to give me your heart. You were never going to be my ride or die.
Looking at it now, I see that I was nothing more than a convenience, someone, to occupy you until someone better came along and when you thought you found that someone, you walked away and never looked back.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, I hoped you would come back.
Yes, I wondered what I had done wrong.
Yes, it was a long road back, but through the tears, I found my way back and realized I had done nothing wrong; it was you who couldn’t see what was right in front of you. Today I have found true love, someone who never has to say they love me because every action they take confirms it. Ironically I hear that life isn’t so going smoothly for you, that someone better apparently found someone better than you and left you broken-hearted and alone. I wonder if you sometimes look back and think about us, what might have been if you genuinely put your heart into it. I guess it doesn’t matter now; the past is the past, and while you hurt me, I hold no malice toward you; after all, if it wasn’t for you, I doubt I would have been able to see the difference between real love and just words. So, I guess we both learned a lesson from our time together. I wish you the best.
There’s a chill in the air tonight, and my bed feels especially chilly because you’re not here with me. It’s true, I still think about you, and how we would cuddle on nights like this, talking and laughing. The look in your eyes warming me like a summer night. There was never anyone like you before, and while there have been others, there has never been anyone like you since. The others all had qualities that made them unique, and though I know I shouldn’t have, when I compared them to you, they could never quite measure up to you. Each kiss only reminded me of the kisses we shared. Each smile only made me long for yours that much more. I suppose the thought of you and what we had will always haunt me. My heart still belongs to you. If that is a good or bad thing, I don’t know, but I know it is true.
I admit I was dreading it, the first Valentine’s day since you left. Try as I might to ignore it, I couldn’t. Because even a simple trip to Rite Aide to pick up a tube of toothpaste reminded me with rows of heart shaped candies, teddy bears saying I love you and an army of hallmark cards leaping out at me, that Valentine’s day was coming. Now, I know the real reason for this “official” day of love is the economy, because without it how else could they justify the ridiculous mark up for roses, but I have to admit I’m a sucker for it and there’s nothing that gave me more joy than seeing the smile on your face when you saw your Valentine’s day roses.
But this year there would be no you to send flowers to, plan a dinner date for, hold hands with and cuddle with at the end of the day. As February draws near there is so much love being thrown in my face I have no choice but to face the hard truth, being single sucks. But I’m also determined not to let anyone know how I truly fell, so I soldier on smiling and laughing while crying on the inside. And I’m good at it, as far as anyone looking at me knows I’m alright. But I’m not and even the strongest of men wouldn’t mind a shoulder to lean on every now and then, but my façade says I don’t need one. So, it up to me to right the ship by myself and let me tell you that’s not easy.
Nevertheless, I went to work. First, I took a step back and looked at the multitude of family and friends who love me, are always there for me and would never leave me alone. I realized that romantic relationship come and go but family and friends…well they’re not going anywhere. Second, I resolved not too give up hope. Because once hope is gone any chance of finding happiness goes with it. My life is a journey and each day represents a new step and each new step represents new possibilities. One day that next step will lead me to the happiness I’m seeking. But I’ll only get there if I have the strength to take that next step. Third I said to myself you can’t hide from love. Bob Marley once said “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. So, while you may have hurt me, there is someone out there worth suffering for.
So, I guess being single doesn’t suck after-all and you know what? Valentine’s Day is going to be a happy occasion for me, even without you. Because I have family, friends and the hope that the right one is out there and one day I will find her.
I used to but now I never let our breakup define myself self-worth.
I put so much of myself into us that when you walked away it broke me, made me think that I was a failure and that no one would ever love me. But that was simply not true because I’m a giving man, a loving partner and I have a kind heart and just because you didn’t see that does not mean I am not worthy of love, it only means you weren’t ready for it
I used to but now I never dwell in the past.
I do not run, hide, or pretend we never existed. I loved you with all my heart and while you couldn’t give me that love in return I have let the pain of losing you go. Today you are but a part of my story, a lesson learned. One that I shall grow and gain strength from. Because life exist in the here and now and so do I.
I used to but now I never wish for you to come back.
I recognize now that you simply couldn’t comprehend the basic principle that having someone like me in your life is a good thing and as such logic dictates you were never worthy of me in the first
I looked up from my laptop across the living room at you, your head buried in your laptop. Once again, we were together physically in the same room but mentally and emotionally we may as well have been on different continents. What happened to us? Once our passion was so strong all we could do was think about each other. Lately tough we were simply going through the motions.
We had become more committed to our work than we were too each other. In the chase for professional and monetary success we forgot that feeling we had when all we had was each other. The anticipation of seeing each other’s smile. The warmth of being in each other presence. The safety of being in each other’s embrace and the feel of our lips pressed against each other’s. We had convinced ourselves that our happiness could be found in a number and that through hard work we would achieve that number and have everything we wanted in life. Everything that was except what truly made us happy, we forgot about each other.
So, at that moment I put down my work and walked across the living room and pushed your laptop aside. Before you could protest I pulled you close and kissed you like I hadn’t kissed you in a long time. Every bit of passion I had kept hidden from you over the years. Every time I had wanted to tell you how much I loved you but didn’t because I was too busy was all in that single kiss. A single kiss that joined two souls that once were inseparable back together.
You looked at me, a bit confused, and then asked where did that come from? But before I could respond you placed a finger on my lips to quiet me and said you don’t need to say it your kiss already did and yes, I missed us too.
From that day on we have never took each other for granted. We have never let work or the pursuit of money come between us. Sure, we still strived for professional success, but we made sure to keep that chase in perspective. Because after all my love for you is the biggest success of my life.
It was a cold January moment and as I was getting ready for work Queen was emanating from my radio
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you’re doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can’t get no relief,
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I thought to myself you know when Freddie Mercury wrote those words he probably didn’t realize just how many people he was speaking for. People like me who find themselves alone at this time of the year. Sure, I survived going to the family Thanksgiving dinner solo and answering the dreaded question of when I am going to settle down. Then I made it through that empty feeling of waking up on Christmas morning with no one to smile or hug, and say I love you to as they unwrapped their gift. New Year’s Eve quickly followed and of course there was no special person to kiss as the clock struck midnight. I did it all with a smile, a smile that hid the tears that I kept to myself and only let the mirror see. But the calendar keeps moving and now here comes another hurdle, Valentine’s day. It’s seemingly everywhere. Go to the drug store and there are heart shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears with I love you sweaters everywhere. Turn on the radio and television and I swear if I hear one more commercial for 1-800-Flowers or Kay Jewelers and their annoying little jingle, every kiss begins with K, I’m going to scream. Even my e-mail account gets in on the fun with a reminder from 1-800-Flowers that Valentine’s day is coming up and I should make it a special one for her by placing my order early this year.
I thought I would be over her by now. I did everything I was supposed to. I focused on myself. dropped a few pounds, brought some new clothes, followed all the self-help books right down to the letter, hell I even stopped going to that psychic who I hoped would tell me that she was coming back. Ask anyone and they would tell you that I’m getting better and I would tell them don’t even think about her anymore. But when I’m alone in my thoughts she is all I can think of.
Why? Why did she leave? Didn’t I show her how much I loved her? Didn’t she tell me she loved me? Freddie Mercury was right, I just can’t get no relief. I don’t understand, is it so much to ask to have someone’s hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to lay down with every night and wake to every morning, someone to love? In many ways my life seems empty and I wonder will it ever not be. But despite all the heartbreak I do feel myself getting a little stronger each day and when I look in the mirror and see my tears I try to remember who I am and what I can give. I try to remember that I do have someone to love, myself. Now I can’t pretend that remembering that makes all the pain go away but hopefully it will help me understand that one day I’ll have two people to love myself and someone special.
As I look back now I guess I owe you an apology. An apology for being so mad when you turned and walked away from us. What I really should have been was thankful.
Confused? Don’t be, it simple really.
You see I committed my heart to you, assumed you really meant it when you said you loved me, and that we would always be together. That day you left I can’t lie it hurt, hurt like hell. Would I be wrong to say you never really loved me? Maybe, I don’t know, I guess in your own way you thought you did. But the truth for me is that I would have been cheating myself if I had settled for you.
Well it’s been some time since that day you walked away, and I have had time to reflect and heal and out of that came this realization; I’m a catch. Now maybe you couldn’t see it but trust me when I tell you others do.
You see I recognize now that I’m not that perfect man you were looking for, if he even exists. But what I am is a man who will always be there for the one I love. A man who will always respect and treat my woman like a queen and the woman that I have committed my heart to now appreciates that and loves me for who I am. She is accepting of me for me, imperfections and all, just as I am of her. We do this because we realize that a relationship is seldom two perfect people finding each other, it’s two imperfect people finding each other and are willing to work together to make each other better. I suspect one day you’ll find someone new and fool them until you can’t. But I wish you only happiness, like everyone you deserve to be happy. Sadly, though I suspect you’ll never find that happiness until you learn what true love is, hopefully one day you will. In the meantime good luck and thank you again for walking away.