Category Archives: Just Me

Personal thoughts

As you can see I’m still alive…Thanks to the lord, family and friends

So I haven’t had a new post for the blog for a bit and there’s a good reason. After a routine medical procedure at the hospital something went terribly wrong and my heart stopped. Luckily for me I was still in the hospital and they worked on me for 40 minutes. It was still touch and go after that and I was heavily sedated for about a week, let me tell you if you’re heavily sedated your mind takes you to some weird places, but here I am today. Doctors and nurses called me miracle man because of how quickly I rebounded from where I was. No doubt this has been a tough year for me  medically after dealing with legionnaires disease last summer, still wondering where that came from, but I believe the hand of the lord has saved me twice now as if he was telling me ain’t your time yet kid you have big things yet to do. These set backs may seem difficult but it’s all part of the overall plan. I truly believe that I have the faith that he will help me through this rehab part of my healing and guide me to finding my ultimate purpose for being on this earth.

The other thing this incident has taught me is the overwhelming amount of love my family and friends have for me. Even friends who live outside of New York traveled to be by my bedside. Others who stopped by everyday and of course my sister Carole who has been my rock. She has not missed a day, she has slept overnight in the hospital only to have to get up at a ridiculous hour to go home and get ready for work. I don’t know what I would do without her and I won’t even try to use words describe how thankful and how much I love her. It is truly overwhelming to know how deeply my friends and family care about me. Their visits, their words of encouragement, their prayers all have been such a positive factor in my overcoming this latest test of faith but thanks to them I am well on the way to doing just that and I thank all of them.

Advertisements

Dear Momma – Happy Mother’s Day!

Dear Momma

They say a bond between a mother and a son can never be broken.

That the comfort a mother can offer her son with just a single touch can never be duplicated.

That no love can match the love between a mother and son. No matter the physical distance between them.

For a mother will always be there for her son. Be it physically, mentally or spiritually. Her soul will never let her son walk alone.

And while this is true of most mothers and sons a son can only have one mother. Only one special soul to look out over, to comfort, to guide and to love them. You Frances Cooke are that special soul to me and everyday I thank God for that. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day

Your son Carl

55F74A22-EDF7-4EEF-A027-0EA025C73FDF

A long distance conversation

Mom? Dad? Where am I? Have I crossed over?

No son you haven’t “crossed over” it’s not your time yet.  And who talks like that crossed over? Anyway come and sit with us.  We know the last several months have been difficult for you health wise and we thought now would be a good time to pay you a visit.

Well it’s a little unusual to say the least but you’re right about that the last few months they have trying with one thing after another with my health.  Sometimes I say to myself why even try and take care of myself at the end of the day does it really matter.  I mean if the big man wants me to suffer I’m more or less powerless to stop it.

Is that what you think?

That’s what I know I mean I pray to him I ask him to heal me I’ve tried to live my life the correct way yet here I am dealing with this.  It’s like he has forsaken me.

So you believe that if you simply ask for good health he’ll look at you and boom like that you’re healed? Interesting? Would make for a kind of crowded Earth after a while but I can understand how you may feel forsaken.  You know your mother and I have always believed you to be special.  Someone born with the unique talents to accomplish whatever you set your mind to.  The empathy to treat others with love and respect and not expect anything in return. The intelligence to see a problem and reason out the best solution. So it is surprising that you do not see the obvious.

Which is?

That the Lord will help you by showing you the way, guiding you to right path. But you must be willing to walk the road. There are no easy fixes.  If you believe in him he will believe in you, he will show you the way. But showing you is not the same as doing for you.  Sometimes we forget that.

So you’re saying this is a test of my faith?

No, what you will soon come to understand son is he does not crave your belief.  If he did he would not have given you free will.  What he does desire is that you live your life in accordance with the principles he has laid out.  That you treat others with the respect and love you desire.  This is especially important in times of darkness.  How you treat others when it appears all things around you are failing is a look inside your soul.  You see it is not a test in your faith of him but a test of yourself.  If you pass it does not matter if you say you believe in him or not because your actions will show that you believe in what is good and pure and that is what he desires for each of us.

I get it, live my life in a righteous way and the Lord will lead me in the direction of good things.  Thankfully I was raised by two beautiful people who instilled in me the righteous way.

Well it is good to see despite some bumps in the road you have chosen to live your life adhering to the principles your father and I set for you.  But what you must remember is that as a living being your definition of “good things” might differ from the definition of good things on a spiritual level.

Whoa that seems like a cop out.  Are you saying that no matter what you do you may find you do not always get the happy ending you search for?

Yes and no.  If you define your happiness as only what you can measure on the plane of existence for which you currently reside than I guess you could say no.

What?

Look at it this way, your mother and I are talking to you now.  This plane of existence is very different than the one in which you normally reside.  Yet the look on your face when you saw us.  The feeling of love that is emanating from your heart and the happiness you feel right now exist but in quite a different way than if we were on your normal plane of existence.  Stay still for a minute, close your eyes, and listen to your heart. Now let’s go back to the very beginning when you first saw us and you asked have you crossed over.  Suppose you had? Would that feeling of happiness and love you have right now cease to exist?

I think I understand. I truly miss you and how you always explained things to me.  How you are able to make me understand things other could not, how you always showed me what is right is wrong. Most importantly no matter how stubborn I was how you never gave up on me.  How you loved me like no other two people could ever love me.

You were our child, special in that you were not born of us but in that we chose you to be our child.  As much as you think we impacted you, watching you grow into the man you are today brought happiness to us as well.  And do not think we do not continue to benefit from that as we continue to watch you.  We even cheat a bit, where permitted, and help you through some rough moments.  The day will come when we all exist together once again as a family but that time is not now.  You have much to accomplish yet and we will be looking on proud parents. But for now we must leave you.

Wait, will I even remember this

Of course I wouldn’t go around broadcasting it, spirituality isn’t what it used to be and some may want to have your head examine so let this be our little secret son and remember this is not goodbye it’s only till next time. We love you.

And I love you Mom and Dad till next time.

Still walking with me, still looking over me, after all these years

Hard to believe my dad would have been 105 years old today plus today is also dad and mom’s wedding anniversary. Over the years I have said how much they mean to me and how much I love them so I won’t rehash that narrative. Suffice to say there are moments when even In a room full of family and friends I feel alone but then out of nowhere I feel something that tells me I’m never alone they continue to walk with me to look out over me. Should I expect any difference? Not really after all they are my parents and great parents they were

Flaws and all I am who I am and I’m ok with that

When I look into the mirror of my soul and am brutally honest with myself I see flaws. Imperfections that annoy some people. But here’s the thing, not one of us is perfect and if the whole of ourselves is righteous and kind then at the end of the day we’re ok. Of course I strive to better myself each day but fundamentally I am who I am and I’m happy with that. If you choose to accept who I am join me on my journey if not I wish you good luck on yours.

The needs of the few

I close my eyes and listen for the silence. I have subconsciously transported my soul, my inner self, to another level. A level where I am all alone, where nothing or no one can touch me. It is here where I find my peace unburdened by expectations, free to speak, even if no one is listening, my feelings, unafraid of what obstacle a higher power has deemed I must jump over this time. Here I feel free a sense of calm. There is no show to put on for others, no feelings to hold on to so as not to offend others, no worries about the next setback. Here I can just be me. But I know I can not stay in this place. So I open my eyes and the light shines through, the noise is all around and I am transported back to reality. It is back to who I am or who I pretend to be. Others will live their lives unencumbered by who I’m really am. They will live with only a hint of the true me that slips out from time to time. I guess that is the way it must be for as Mr. Spock once said the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and I am the few.

Two people – one seeking happiness, the other pretending they found it

Two people, one for the outside world to see one for only me to know. The outside world sees the smile, the upbeat optimism that makes it seem nothing can ever bring me down. But inside I’m hurting, wondering what I did to deserve this lot in life. Feelings of loneliness flood over me even when I’m in a room full of family and friends. Thoughts of dread preoccupy my mind. The slightest mention of you don’t look good or the question what’s the matter with you is met with the response I’m fine or nothing. But the truth is the question itself is frightening and I don’t want to hear it or think about it. Often times I’ll snap at the person asking the question. I know they ask out of concern but I’m tired of thinking about the negative and those questions just flood my mind with the negative.

Alas in the times when I’m feeling good there is no family to share the good times with and by family I mean MY family, a wife, children, grandchildren. I missed out on that, stupid decisions and wrong choices on my part I guess.  This is just one more thing I bury deep inside. Because when I express it to family members they don’t understand the hole it has left in my soul, they feel as if I am not valuing them. That of could not be further from the truth I know how much they love me and I love them but as close as we are they’re not MY family not my wife, my children, my grandchildren. It’s something I have always dreamed I would experience in my life but never have. Instead I look on with jealousy as others share stories of their child’s success or even failures. Their lives with their spouses good and bad. Especially the bad because they found a way to work through it while it seems it was always easier for people to walk away from me. Am I that hard to love? Is it not worth the effort to try and make it work with me? Has anyone ever really loved me?

I have always been a believer in a higher power if not religion itself, after all who needs a third party to talk to God. But lately that belief has been shaken. I always tried to do the right thing. I always tried to live right. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but you know what I’m getting pretty close to all I can handle.

Many times I am thankful for that other person, the side the outside world sees. He is filled with high self esteem and boundless optimism. Truth be told if I didn’t have that side to pull from I don’t know where I would be. Work is my refuge. It’s there I pour my heart into. It gives me purpose, I know I’m respected there, I know I’m good at what I do there. I don’t really know what I would do without it besides the obvious loss of income I wonder how losing it would impact my self esteem. Without it would I just fall into a pit of self despair. Again not something I share with anybody most times all you’ll get is the cliche answers – it could be worst, at least you’ve got better than (insert name), be thankful for what you have. Guess what I am thankful, I know it could be worst, I know others have it tougher. That doesn’t make it any better for me because I’m looking at how it impacts me and only me not someone else.

Anyway I know this post has been kind of all over the place I guess I just needed to vent. In the meantime i will lean on the happy side of me and hope things turn around after all I’m Carl Cooke damn it and at the end of the day nothing can stop me…at least I hope.