It was a cold January moment, and as I was getting ready for work, Queen was emanating from my radio
Each morning I get up, I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord, what you’re doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can’t get no relief,
Can anybody find me, somebody, to love?
I thought to myself that when Freddie Mercury wrote those words, he probably didn’t realize just how many people he was speaking for. People like me find themselves alone at this time of the year. Sure, I survived going to the family Thanksgiving dinner solo and answering the dreaded question of when I will settle down. Then I made it through that empty feeling of waking up on Christmas morning with no one to smile or hug and say I love you to as they unwrapped their gift. New Year’s Eve quickly followed, and of course, there was no special person to kiss as the clock struck midnight. I did it all with a smile, a smile that hid the tears that I kept to myself and only let the mirror see. But the calendar keeps moving, and now here comes another hurdle, Valentine’s day. It’s seemingly everywhere. Go to the drug store, and there are heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and teddy bears with I love you sweaters everywhere. Turn on the radio and television, and I swear if I hear one more commercial for 1-800-Flowers or Kay Jewelers and their annoying little jingle, every kiss begins with K, I’m going to scream. Even my e-mail account gets in on the fun with a reminder from 1-800-Flowers that Valentine’s day is coming up, and I should make it a special one for her by placing my order early this year.
I thought I would be over her by now. I did everything I was supposed to. I focused on myself. I dropped a few pounds, brought some new clothes, followed all the self-help books right down to the letter; hell, I even stopped going to that psychic who I hoped would tell me that she was coming back. Ask anyone, and they would say to you that I’m getting better, and I would say to them don’t even think about her anymore. But when I’m alone in my thoughts, she is all I can think of.
Why? Why did she leave? Didn’t I show her how much I loved her? Didn’t she tell me she loved me? Freddie Mercury was right; I just can’t get no relief. I don’t understand. Is it so much to ask to have someone’s hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to lay down with every night and wake to every morning, someone to love? In many ways, my life seems empty, and I wonder will it ever not be. But despite all the heartbreak, I feel myself getting a little stronger each day, and when I look in the mirror and see my tears, I try to remember who I am and what I can give. I try to remember that I do have someone to love, myself. Now I can’t pretend that remembering that makes all the pain go away, but hopefully, it will help me understand that I’ll have two people to love myself and someone special one day.