Monthly Archives: October 2017

A plague to our own existence.

Got out of physical therapy today to hear about a terrorist attack in lower Manhattan. To close to home since I work in the area I made phone calls and thankfully as far as I know everyone is safe. Then I saw the Immediate reaction from the usual suspects on both sides. What do we call this? A terrorist attack? Wait we have to see the ethnicity of the attacker if it doesn’t fit the narrative we have to call it something else. Seriously I’m tired of this. Do you really think the families that were killed today give a damn what we call it? Today we lost innocent lives you call it what you want, to push your political agenda, be it a white guy in Vegas or an apparent middle eastern individual in Manhattan it is best identified as the actions of a deranged coward. Taking innocent lives does not advance your cause, rid you of your demons or worship your god it simply makes you a killer. Global warming, comet strike, etc none of that will be the end of man. Man will be the end of man and sadly we seem to be in a rush to get to the finish line.

As agent Smith said in the Matrix

“Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague”

 

The mind of a child

Inside the complex mind of the most Intelligent human resides the mind of a child. A mind unfiltered by society’s beliefs and prejudices. A mind that does not see ethnic background, nationality or color of their skin. A mind that does not distinguish between gender or sexual orientation. A mind that does not value someone based on socio-economic standing. But a mind that simply sees another human, a smiling face to interact with. The beauty in its simplicity can not be fully described by even the most complex of minds.

0F62D308-528A-4633-87A2-8CE8C09B158A.jpeg

The needs of the few

I close my eyes and listen for the silence. I have subconsciously transported my soul, my inner self, to another level. A level where I am all alone, where nothing or no one can touch me. It is here where I find my peace unburdened by expectations, free to speak, even if no one is listening, my feelings, unafraid of what obstacle a higher power has deemed I must jump over this time. Here I feel free a sense of calm. There is no show to put on for others, no feelings to hold on to so as not to offend others, no worries about the next setback. Here I can just be me. But I know I can not stay in this place. So I open my eyes and the light shines through, the noise is all around and I am transported back to reality. It is back to who I am or who I pretend to be. Others will live their lives unencumbered by who I’m really am. They will live with only a hint of the true me that slips out from time to time. I guess that is the way it must be for as Mr. Spock once said the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and I am the few.

Two people – one seeking happiness, the other pretending they found it

Two people, one for the outside world to see one for only me to know. The outside world sees the smile, the upbeat optimism that makes it seem nothing can ever bring me down. But inside I’m hurting, wondering what I did to deserve this lot in life. Feelings of loneliness flood over me even when I’m in a room full of family and friends. Thoughts of dread preoccupy my mind. The slightest mention of you don’t look good or the question what’s the matter with you is met with the response I’m fine or nothing. But the truth is the question itself is frightening and I don’t want to hear it or think about it. Often times I’ll snap at the person asking the question. I know they ask out of concern but I’m tired of thinking about the negative and those questions just flood my mind with the negative.

Alas in the times when I’m feeling good there is no family to share the good times with and by family I mean MY family, a wife, children, grandchildren. I missed out on that, stupid decisions and wrong choices on my part I guess.  This is just one more thing I bury deep inside. Because when I express it to family members they don’t understand the hole it has left in my soul, they feel as if I am not valuing them. That of could not be further from the truth I know how much they love me and I love them but as close as we are they’re not MY family not my wife, my children, my grandchildren. It’s something I have always dreamed I would experience in my life but never have. Instead I look on with jealousy as others share stories of their child’s success or even failures. Their lives with their spouses good and bad. Especially the bad because they found a way to work through it while it seems it was always easier for people to walk away from me. Am I that hard to love? Is it not worth the effort to try and make it work with me? Has anyone ever really loved me?

I have always been a believer in a higher power if not religion itself, after all who needs a third party to talk to God. But lately that belief has been shaken. I always tried to do the right thing. I always tried to live right. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but you know what I’m getting pretty close to all I can handle.

Many times I am thankful for that other person, the side the outside world sees. He is filled with high self esteem and boundless optimism. Truth be told if I didn’t have that side to pull from I don’t know where I would be. Work is my refuge. It’s there I pour my heart into. It gives me purpose, I know I’m respected there, I know I’m good at what I do there. I don’t really know what I would do without it besides the obvious loss of income I wonder how losing it would impact my self esteem. Without it would I just fall into a pit of self despair. Again not something I share with anybody most times all you’ll get is the cliche answers – it could be worst, at least you’ve got better than (insert name), be thankful for what you have. Guess what I am thankful, I know it could be worst, I know others have it tougher. That doesn’t make it any better for me because I’m looking at how it impacts me and only me not someone else.

Anyway I know this post has been kind of all over the place I guess I just needed to vent. In the meantime i will lean on the happy side of me and hope things turn around after all I’m Carl Cooke damn it and at the end of the day nothing can stop me…at least I hope.

The Uptown Number 2 Train

The computerized voice boomed crystal clear over the speakers,

This is the uptown Number 2 train 42nd street, next stop 72nd street. Stand clear of the closing doors.

Another part of old New York City gone I thought, the indecipherable voice of the subway conductor.

On most nights my commute is like a Beats headphone commercial. You know the one where the athlete put on the headphones and shuts out everything in the world around them. I just want to close my eyes, turn up the music and pretend I am anywhere but where I am at that moment. But this Friday evening as I stood in my favorite spot, front of the car back against the forward-facing door, I decided to amuse myself and pass the time by observing my fellow uptown number 2 commuters and this spot is perfect as it affords me a vantage point of the entire car and its occupants. Tonight’s crowd included the usual suspects. The business men in their expensive suits boasting to each other about the big deal they just closed or bitching about the big deal that got away. Funny how every time one got away it was never their fault but the fault of some co-worker’s incompetence, or at least that how they told it. There was the blue-collar crowd fresh off another exhausting 12-hour shift. Happy to be going home yet too tired to show it. And of course, there were the millennials. Happily texting on their smart phones, joking and laughing with each other and telling each other how they think they’re going to quit their job because they have been there three months already and they just don’t think they’re making an impact that can change the world. This is New York I thought and we all probably need some type of therapy but this group, the millennials, they were probably in need of more therapy than anyone else. All in all, it was just your usual cast of characters on a Friday night uptown number 2.

Then I spied them, the couple sitting in the middle of the car. She had long straight hair with several colors and was dressed in an ankle length tie dye skirt and a tan tee-shirt with sunflowers on it. Her wrist was adorned with several bracelets that went halfway up her arm. She appeared to be in her mid-40s and upon closer inspection it was evident to whoever bothered to look she was very striking. He was sporting a scruffy looking beard and wearing glasses, blue jeans and a long sleeve pull over shirt. His attire was not nearly as eccentric as hers except for his straight out of the 80s canvas Pro Keds, high tops and bright red. Despite what her hippy look and his red high top Keds might have inferred about them they were engrossed not in some counter-culture discussion but the New York Times crossword puzzle. I noticed they sat as close as you could get to one another, her leg draped over his. They argued, they laughed and got legitimately excited when they figured out a particularly hard clue. They constantly looked directly into each other eyes and smiled. And it was the look in their eyes that gave away what should have been painfully obvious to me by that point, they were very much in love and likely had been so for a very long time. This couple is in their own Beats commercial I thought. Nothing around them mattered and despite the noise the only sound they heard were each other’s voices Their world was each other and nothing else mattered and it was clear that was alright with them.

This is the uptown Number 2 train 96th street, next stop 110th street Central Park North

He stood folding the paper and said this is us. They gave each other a quick kiss and instinctively grabbed for each other hand as they strolled off the train. Their interaction with each other brought a smile to my face. One that was much-needed after a long week at work and the desire to reaffirm my fragile belief in the concept of love.

Stand clear of the closing doors the computerized voice boomed crystal clear over the speakers.

.

 

 

You are what you think you are

Life is a self fulfilling prophecy.
You are what you think you are.
You’ll accomplish what you believe you can. Focus only on the negatives in your life you’ll
never tap into all the positives and unleash your full potential.
Think you can’t do something and it becomes a
given that you won’t.
When you believe you are worth it and that you can accomplish anything you’re life will take a turn for the better. After all your life is what you make it

8D3775DC-DF10-4ACF-9A1A-9642467F6D99.jpeg

A mental connection

So you’re with him now. Well I wish you happiness and hope you found what you were looking for. But even you have to admit a love like the one we shared is not so easily forgotten. Even after we walked away from each other a little bit of me remains with you, just like a little bit of you has remained with me. So I wonder, on those nights you lay awake beside him do you hear it? Do you hear my voice saying I love you. We might not be together physically and maybe that’s for the best but we will always share a mental connection no matter who we’re with. Because while we may not have worked out a love like ours will never be broken. As Mr. Spock once said it is not logical but it often times true.