Monthly Archives: October 2017

A plague to our own existence.

Got out of physical therapy today to hear about a terrorist attack in lower Manhattan. To close to home since I work in the area I made phone calls and thankfully as far as I know everyone is safe. Then I saw the Immediate reaction from the usual suspects on both sides. What do we call this? A terrorist attack? Wait we have to see the ethnicity of the attacker if it doesn’t fit the narrative we have to call it something else. Seriously I’m tired of this. Do you really think the families that were killed today give a damn what we call it? Today we lost innocent lives you call it what you want, to push your political agenda, be it a white guy in Vegas or an apparent middle eastern individual in Manhattan it is best identified as the actions of a deranged coward. Taking innocent lives does not advance your cause, rid you of your demons or worship your god it simply makes you a killer. Global warming, comet strike, etc none of that will be the end of man. Man will be the end of man and sadly we seem to be in a rush to get to the finish line.

As agent Smith said in the Matrix

“Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague”

 

The mind of a child

Inside the complex mind of the most Intelligent human resides the mind of a child. A mind unfiltered by society’s beliefs and prejudices. A mind that does not see ethnic background, nationality or color of their skin. A mind that does not distinguish between gender or sexual orientation. A mind that does not value someone based on socio-economic standing. But a mind that simply sees another human, a smiling face to interact with. The beauty in its simplicity can not be fully described by even the most complex of minds.

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The needs of the few

I close my eyes and listen for the silence. I have subconsciously transported my soul, my inner self, to another level. A level where I am all alone, where nothing or no one can touch me. It is here where I find my peace unburdened by expectations, free to speak, even if no one is listening, my feelings, unafraid of what obstacle a higher power has deemed I must jump over this time. Here I feel free a sense of calm. There is no show to put on for others, no feelings to hold on to so as not to offend others, no worries about the next setback. Here I can just be me. But I know I can not stay in this place. So I open my eyes and the light shines through, the noise is all around and I am transported back to reality. It is back to who I am or who I pretend to be. Others will live their lives unencumbered by who I’m really am. They will live with only a hint of the true me that slips out from time to time. I guess that is the way it must be for as Mr. Spock once said the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and I am the few.

Two people – one seeking happiness, the other pretending they found it

Two people, one for the outside world to see one for only me to know. The outside world sees the smile, the upbeat optimism that makes it seem nothing can ever bring me down. But inside I’m hurting, wondering what I did to deserve this lot in life. Feelings of loneliness flood over me even when I’m in a room full of family and friends. Thoughts of dread preoccupy my mind. The slightest mention of you don’t look good or the question what’s the matter with you is met with the response I’m fine or nothing. But the truth is the question itself is frightening and I don’t want to hear it or think about it. Often times I’ll snap at the person asking the question. I know they ask out of concern but I’m tired of thinking about the negative and those questions just flood my mind with the negative.

Alas in the times when I’m feeling good there is no family to share the good times with and by family I mean MY family, a wife, children, grandchildren. I missed out on that, stupid decisions and wrong choices on my part I guess.  This is just one more thing I bury deep inside. Because when I express it to family members they don’t understand the hole it has left in my soul, they feel as if I am not valuing them. That of could not be further from the truth I know how much they love me and I love them but as close as we are they’re not MY family not my wife, my children, my grandchildren. It’s something I have always dreamed I would experience in my life but never have. Instead I look on with jealousy as others share stories of their child’s success or even failures. Their lives with their spouses good and bad. Especially the bad because they found a way to work through it while it seems it was always easier for people to walk away from me. Am I that hard to love? Is it not worth the effort to try and make it work with me? Has anyone ever really loved me?

I have always been a believer in a higher power if not religion itself, after all who needs a third party to talk to God. But lately that belief has been shaken. I always tried to do the right thing. I always tried to live right. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle but you know what I’m getting pretty close to all I can handle.

Many times I am thankful for that other person, the side the outside world sees. He is filled with high self esteem and boundless optimism. Truth be told if I didn’t have that side to pull from I don’t know where I would be. Work is my refuge. It’s there I pour my heart into. It gives me purpose, I know I’m respected there, I know I’m good at what I do there. I don’t really know what I would do without it besides the obvious loss of income I wonder how losing it would impact my self esteem. Without it would I just fall into a pit of self despair. Again not something I share with anybody most times all you’ll get is the cliche answers – it could be worst, at least you’ve got better than (insert name), be thankful for what you have. Guess what I am thankful, I know it could be worst, I know others have it tougher. That doesn’t make it any better for me because I’m looking at how it impacts me and only me not someone else.

Anyway I know this post has been kind of all over the place I guess I just needed to vent. In the meantime i will lean on the happy side of me and hope things turn around after all I’m Carl Cooke damn it and at the end of the day nothing can stop me…at least I hope.