That was then…I found myself now

It’s in the mornings when I can still feel her lying next to me, when I reach out to pull her closer to me, when she is still in my arms and nothing else matters. But mornings are nothing more than a dream and when I fully wake the truth remains, she is not here and she don’t love me anymore.

She lied to me, looked right in my eyes, told me she loved me, that she wanted to grow old with me. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it, left it in a million pieces. I used to believe in love now I’m simply bitter unwilling to open my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt again.

Friends, family, co-workers tell me to get over it, to move on, that I just need to get out there, that she were no good for me, that It could be worst I could be (fill in the blank).  Believe me I know all this this, I certainly don’t wake up every day and decide today is yet another day to be miserable. I would love to be the happy friend, family member, co-worker they once knew. I’m hurting and I’m trying to find my way back home but for some of us the road is longer than the rest.

As I travel that road back I try to put on a brave face for the world I use phases like there are plenty of fish in the sea, you’re right I’m better off without them, this is for the best I’ll find someone who truly love me. But you know what I had my fish and I want it back.  Deep down I know I’m better off without her but I want her back anyway. Most troubling of all is that I thought she truly loved me and deep down, the thing I don’t want to admit, I still want to believe that she does.

As the days goes by I find myself obsessed with couples and singles. I walk down the street mesmerized by people holding hands, I find myself staring at their hands remembering her hand in mine, each time this happen I feel I break down a little bit more inside. I also find myself increasing noticing the single person in the restaurant window eating alone, sitting on the park bench, or walking alone and seem to be so lonely and unhappy. I say to myself oh my goodness that’s me. When I get home I sit down and start crying all the emotion that I had buried, all the questions I have about the breakup rushing back to the forefront of my conscience – how could someone go from asking me to promise I would never leave them to leaving me in a matter of days, why was she unwilling to try and work it out, how do you go from planning a life together to nothing in a blink of an eye. What is wrong with me, other couples have problems so much greater than ours yet they find a way to work it out, but she just walked away from me. Why?

BUT ALL THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW

I traveled the long road through the tunnel of despair, depression, self-doubts, and bitterness and with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I emerged the person I was but better.  The journey while difficult was worth it because sometimes you must look despair squarely in the eye to find yourself and at the of my journey I had found myself again.  I realized that my ex made me happy but she was not the key to my happiness.  I realized that while I was looking for love it was always all around me from family, friends, and co-workers but most importantly with-in myself. Gone was the fear of falling in love because I may get hurt again and its place was the resolve to find that person with the intellect, beauty, and heart to be the woman I will grow old with.  I no longer put on a face for the world to believe I was happy but show my real face because in traveling the road back I found the keys to being truly happy.  I no longer wonder what is wrong with me but understand many relationships end not because of one person but because both parties have outgrown the relationship, even if one person doesn’t realize it at the time and when they end the smart ones understand that each relationship is a lesson, each leaves an imprint on you, becomes a part of you are. Some relationships are fun, some are intense, some are fleeting, others where you believe it’s going to last forever. In the end it’s up to you to take the good from each and cherish it, take the bad and discard it and learn from all of it. Not so easy to do all the time but with the help of family, friends, and co-workers you will find the strength to do so it you travel the road back.

 

 

 

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