Monthly Archives: May 2017

That was then…I found myself now

It’s in the mornings when I can still feel her lying next to me, when I reach out to pull her closer to me, when she is still in my arms and nothing else matters. But mornings are nothing more than a dream and when I fully wake the truth remains, she is not here and she don’t love me anymore.

She lied to me, looked right in my eyes, told me she loved me, that she wanted to grow old with me. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it, left it in a million pieces. I used to believe in love now I’m simply bitter unwilling to open my heart to anyone for fear of getting hurt again.

Friends, family, co-workers tell me to get over it, to move on, that I just need to get out there, that she were no good for me, that It could be worst I could be (fill in the blank).  Believe me I know all this this, I certainly don’t wake up every day and decide today is yet another day to be miserable. I would love to be the happy friend, family member, co-worker they once knew. I’m hurting and I’m trying to find my way back home but for some of us the road is longer than the rest.

As I travel that road back I try to put on a brave face for the world I use phases like there are plenty of fish in the sea, you’re right I’m better off without them, this is for the best I’ll find someone who truly love me. But you know what I had my fish and I want it back.  Deep down I know I’m better off without her but I want her back anyway. Most troubling of all is that I thought she truly loved me and deep down, the thing I don’t want to admit, I still want to believe that she does.

As the days goes by I find myself obsessed with couples and singles. I walk down the street mesmerized by people holding hands, I find myself staring at their hands remembering her hand in mine, each time this happen I feel I break down a little bit more inside. I also find myself increasing noticing the single person in the restaurant window eating alone, sitting on the park bench, or walking alone and seem to be so lonely and unhappy. I say to myself oh my goodness that’s me. When I get home I sit down and start crying all the emotion that I had buried, all the questions I have about the breakup rushing back to the forefront of my conscience – how could someone go from asking me to promise I would never leave them to leaving me in a matter of days, why was she unwilling to try and work it out, how do you go from planning a life together to nothing in a blink of an eye. What is wrong with me, other couples have problems so much greater than ours yet they find a way to work it out, but she just walked away from me. Why?

BUT ALL THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW

I traveled the long road through the tunnel of despair, depression, self-doubts, and bitterness and with the help of family, friends, and co-workers I emerged the person I was but better.  The journey while difficult was worth it because sometimes you must look despair squarely in the eye to find yourself and at the of my journey I had found myself again.  I realized that my ex made me happy but she was not the key to my happiness.  I realized that while I was looking for love it was always all around me from family, friends, and co-workers but most importantly with-in myself. Gone was the fear of falling in love because I may get hurt again and its place was the resolve to find that person with the intellect, beauty, and heart to be the woman I will grow old with.  I no longer put on a face for the world to believe I was happy but show my real face because in traveling the road back I found the keys to being truly happy.  I no longer wonder what is wrong with me but understand many relationships end not because of one person but because both parties have outgrown the relationship, even if one person doesn’t realize it at the time and when they end the smart ones understand that each relationship is a lesson, each leaves an imprint on you, becomes a part of you are. Some relationships are fun, some are intense, some are fleeting, others where you believe it’s going to last forever. In the end it’s up to you to take the good from each and cherish it, take the bad and discard it and learn from all of it. Not so easy to do all the time but with the help of family, friends, and co-workers you will find the strength to do so it you travel the road back.

 

 

 

I am who I am because you were who you were

You read to me when I was a child. You wiped the blood from my knee and the tears from my eyes when I fell as a boy.

I am who I am because you were who you were.

You encouraged and believed in me when I was a teen. You were always there for me when i became a man. Through it all you put up with my nonsense and loved me unconditionally. You may be gone from this Earth but you walk with me everyday.

I am who I am because you were who you were.

You were: Loving, Caring, Demanding, Forgiving, Understanding, Supportive, Nurturing, and a million other things I could never list.

I am who I am because you were who you were and you were Frances Cooke my mother!

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Facebook feed jealousy and regret

Over the past few weeks my Facebook feed has been filled with pictures of my friend’s children graduating elementary, high school or college. Going to the junior prom or the prom. All of them accompanied by posts expressing pride at their children’s accomplishment or bemoaning the fact that the years have gone by so fast. I admit that I look at these posts with both jealousy and regret. Jealousy that I don’t have what they have. Regret that I made so many wrong turns in my relationships that I screwed up any chance of having it.

Growing up I believed that I would live the fairy tale, marry the love of my life, have two children of our own and adopt one to provide a loving home to a child in need. But life more often then not is not a fairy tale. The character Sonny in Bronx Tale said – You’re only allowed three great women in your lifetime. In my life I have had three long term serious relationships each of which started out with the thought that this might be the one, my soulmate, the woman I start a family and grow old with. Each ended with a broken heart and me thinking well here I am again. Each one was devastating in its own way but none more than the last one.

She was the first and only woman that I asked to marry me and when she said yes I thought finally I had found the one, my soulmate, the woman I would grow old with. The woman I would post pictures of our children’s accomplishments on Facebook with. She came into the relationship with two children and she was upfront that she wouldn’t have another child. Despite that as time went on I started to feel more and more as I finally had found the family I always wanted. I knew I could never take the place of their father, who was still very much in their lives, but still it felt like a true family. Only weeks before the breakup the oldest child drew four pictures. Her mommy, her sister, herself and me and put them up on the refrigerator. Looking at those pictures brought a huge smile to my face because it was confirmation that not only did I see us as a family but they did as well. So when only a few weeks later my fiancée informed me that she was now my ex fiancée it wasn’t just breaking up with her it was breaking up with my family. I won’t lie it was my lowest point I had never been so depressed and it took me awhile to find myself again but I eventually did. Despite that I still wonder if my window has closed. That I will never find that woman to grow old with. That I never will be able to post with pride pictures of my children’s accomplishments on Facebook. Not that I’ve given up hope and I’m still out there swinging but I still wonder and hope that my window is cracked open just a little bit.

Impeach Donald Trump – Be careful what you wish for

Impeach Donald Trump.

Liberals smile with glee at the very mention of the I word but liberals everywhere should be careful what they wish for. Removing Trump from office will elevate Mike Pence to the Presidency and while you may think the Trump’s administration has been nothing less than a circus a Pence administration will be nothing if not extremely dangerous to the progress achieved by liberals over the years. Pence will be sane and rational. He will comport himself with decency. He won’t be bogged down in one scandal after another and with all that going for him he will be able to methodically push his ultra conservative agenda through congress. Here’s just a sample of what President Pence would bring to the table.

As governor of Indiana, Pence signed the most abortion-restrictive regulations in the nation, banning abortion even in cases where the fetus has a “genetic abnormality” such as Down syndrome and holding doctors legally liable if they had knowingly performed such procedures.

He led the national fight to defund Planned Parenthood and forced so many of its clinics to close in Indiana that he triggered an H.I.V. epidemic in one county.

in 2015 he helped pass one of the nation’s harshest “religious freedom” laws that would have protected businesses who wanted to refuse service to LGBT people if they cited religious objections.

As a congressman he opposed federal funding that would support treatment for people suffering from H.I.V. and AIDS, unless the government simultaneously invested in programs to discourage people from engaging in same-sex relationships.

He is opposed to any restrictions on assault rifles.

He is skeptical of climate change and wrote a letter to then President Obama threatening to disobey the new regulations on coal mandated by the Clean Power Plan.

President Pence.
Liberals be careful what you wish for.